“That’s all you needed to make $500 a week,” my mentor said.

I just finished another semester of college and was done with work-study for the year, so I needed to find a way to make extra cash to live somewhat comfortably in the one-bedroom I rented in this nice Spanish lady’s basement. She spoke nearly no English but she spoke money, $500 a month for the room.

I was only working 20 hours a week at my retail hob so I searched online, and found a blog on how to become a webcam model. I immediately figured what it was but I was still curious so I did some more digging. Soon enough I was tempted to apply. “This is easy money”, I thought to myself. I went through the application process which included proof of identification but I felt a bit uneasy as I sent all of my documents through my iPhone. The following week I was able to set up my profile page and I felt a rush of excitement. I was so tired of cooking everything out of my rice cooker, I was tired of throwing up from eating too much beef from Taco Bell and I wanted to at least take a trip to the mall which was something that I hadn’t done in a while. There I was with my desk lamp shinning on my heavy caked up face wearing nothing but a highlighter yellow spaghetti strap cropped tank top that was and a $2 thong I bought from Forever 21 the day before. I never felt more determined and mortified at the same time. Men started popping up in my room the very second I entered in the vast world of the internet. I sat there looking at my screen unsure of what to do.

BIGBLAKCOCK: Hey baby are you new on here?

Tim96: Hello sexy take off that shirt.

avud123: Yeah take it off and stand up!!

sugardaddy101: you’re so beautiful want to go to private?

I grinned warily and I replied to the guy that said the magic word, private. Private is this magical portal to the money. The key to getting to that portal was to never show what you have in the public rooms, only tease and entice. There would always be a few guys who would try to trick you into showing your goods without paying.

How was it that I knew all of this on my first day? I had a mentor who popped into my room before the flood of people that entered after 6pm. We “met” when he saw me in the newbies section of the site and wanted to help me. He worked in the gay section although he said he was straight. I remember him saying how I didn’t belong because my name didn’t involve some sort of sexual reference. I didn’t know his aim, that didn’t make me feel any better than the rest; we were all there to make money.

You had the chicks who were porn stars, the chicks with some form of modeling who had a huge following – they were mainly white girls with huge boobs. Then you had everyone else who just wanted to make some sort of money. I was the regular chick. I had a handful of loyal guys who would pay just to see my face/body and one guy in the military who would send me $50 for pics. I accepted it. I created a fake number to text and talk to my loyals to make them feel special. The whole trick was to make them feel special and I felt so horrible but the need for money turned me into an award-winning actress. I looked untouched, innocent, sweet and naughty which unfortunately attracted a lot of the creepy men who lusted after teenage girls; they loved to hear that I was 19. My mentor gave me ideas to fulfill the weird fetishes that men have, “Guys like to see you wet or glistening!“, he said to me. To make the goal number of tips I promised to pour half a gallon of water on my body like I was in the Flash Dance Movie and it worked. That week I made almost $600. After that moment I was known as the cute ebony cam girl with the pink blush on her cheeks and a lavender backdrop which was a sheet I used to sleep in. My name was up in ratings and I now had to maintain that to make more money. As time passed I was no longer in the newbie section and more things were getting asked of me. It was difficult because I wasn’t willing to do as much as the other women in my category did. I noticed the difference between me and a girl in their 20s. I could’ve used that to my advantage, I could’ve used innocence to fulfill men’s sickening fetishes but I couldn’t go that far, I wasn’t an award-winning actress after all.

I felt like I had given up on it too soon, it was already hard being a black girl on a site full of white men. I was called nigger more than once and although people stood up for me, it felt as if those bastards were waving cash in front of my face – and that because they had money, I should fall victim to their sickening desires.

In my regular life, my hours were cutting down by the week and it was getting harder to stay afloat. In between all of that I was still looking for jobs to get me out but there was nothing within reach so I continued to get naked in front of my laptop, being told what to do and how to do it by nasty old men and strange socially awkward guys. With the dirty money I was able to catch up on rent and buy better food. I was even able to buy a few things that I wanted from my favorite store. It was exhausting, but then again it was work. Being a webcam model was not easy. It was tiring, unfulfilling and just depressing. They wanted more or else they wouldn’t pay me. They wanted me to buy dildos and do anal and things that I couldn’t handle, and soon enough I was only making $100 a week.

I thought about becoming a real stripper, I even had an opportunity from this girl I knew from college. I knew what I made from webcam modeling in a week is what they make in one night but I just couldn’t do it. Then it hit me, those exact word: I just couldn’t do it. So I went back to webcam modeling on and off for a whole year making pocket change here and there – an addiction to just have a little more money because at the time anything would have helped. It messed up my relationship with a guy I loved and it made me distance myself from my family. I came to a conclusion at the end of last year that it wasn’t worth it. The percentage you earn from what you make is so ridiculous. Making $1,000 which is what they advertise you can make is damn near impossible for the majority of people. It scares me to think that I put something that should be sacred out there for nobodies to see. Sometimes I wonder if it will all come back to haunt me, but as crazy as it sounds I’ll never regret it. I was 19, in college trying to make a way for myself. If I knew what I know now I would have just went to a damn job agency or something, but you live and you learn.

_____

Jade Jade isn’t my real name, it was my cam girl name. I know right! Why the hell would I keep that name with me. Jade is fearless, sexual and cunning. I embrace my struggle, it’s what has helped me to move forward.