Fighting Depression

Something many people don’t know about me is that I go through waves of depression. And by waves, I mean the funk comes and goes, but when it comes, it takes me into a deep darkness that is not always easy to pull myself out of. It’s never so much sadness that I contemplate suicide or self-harm, however I do understand where that kind of self-destructive thinking roots from.

I’ve wanted to write about the topic of depression for a while and I am still not sure if I’m quite ready to expose myself to do so. The reason I decided to though was because I was recently reminded of something I wrote on my old blog a while ago: sometimes your scars are there to heal others. Perhaps, I don’t have tons of expertise on the subject itself, but I know that depression is very real for so many people. From my experience, it is a demon disguised as a disease and medication is not always a guaranteed way to cure people of it. And it makes me cringe when people can’t seem to understand just how real it is.

Just the other night, I experienced one of those waves again. Like always, a feeling of inadequacy erupts and happiness becomes so distant that I have to fight my way back to it. Given all the events that have taken place in this country, in the world, I felt extremely selfish because I can never really give an explanation as to why my emotions always seem to be so unstable. The reoccurring questions that replay in my head are: How can I live this way? How can I love this way? How can others love you when you “are” this way? Surely I have an abundance of things to be grateful for, so the pity party was a bit unnecessary. At that point, it goes beyond just being sad. Guilt, defeat, and a plethora of other emotions are added to the mix. Music helps and heals, so I turn on some jazz and cried myself to sleep. As awful as that mechanism may seem, I’ve definitely come a long way from turning to alcohol to cope with my feelings. It a continuous journey of self love I’m on in order to fully heal from within.

Immediately, a friend comes to mind (we’ll call her BG), a 19 year-young girl who unexpectedly committed suicide back in 2011. It always makes me wonder what I could have said or done to offer some slither of hope to someone with so much potential. Quite possibly, there was nothing that could be said, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it. She was quite like me, always wearing a smile, never really exuding any sign of sadness on the surface and there for people when they needed her the most. I really had no clue and I guess that goes for a lot of things. It happens so much that you would think people would make an effort to be more kind to strangers and loved ones alike; to not be so quick to attack celebrities or people in general for bad choices they make.

On the bright side, I’ve been given this gift and this platform for a reason. With that reason, it’s not all about me. For anyone who is suffering through any form of depression, you’re not alone and life really does get better. Even if you are constantly fighting yourself trying to believe that, you are worth the fight. Pray and breathe, because what’s in store for you down the line is so much more rewarding than giving up now.

Chymere