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The reality of life and death is something I often wish I was unfamiliar with. The reality of the pain, the small grasp of understanding and far too many memories fading.

My mother is someone I admire simply for her sheer ability to wake up every morning and continue to contribute to this world. Becoming a mother was the only way I could truly understand her pain. She lost her daughter, my sister, almost seven years ago in a tragic car accident. My sister was twenty four years old. She just graduated from college, engaged to get married to her son’s father and just moved to Atlanta for a job. I was twenty two at the time and completely unprepared for the extreme shift of emotions that occurred in our household.

The most amazing thing possible continued to happen, my mother still smiled. She cried many days and nights, but she smiled. She laughed and made jokes and was still very much there for her three other children. I remember I felt this sense of pressure for being her only daughter remaining. I felt like I had to perform at a level of two people, somehow replacing my sister and mother’s relationship.

I’m not sure what my mother was doing when she was pregnant with me, but I assume she was highly emotional or in a very tranquil state. I’ve always had this strong desire to remove everyone’s pain. I have a natural ability to listen to others and fix things. So when my sister passed I felt a strong urge to fix my mother’s pain. I wanted her to move past it. What I learned from my sister’s death is that life is insensitive. No matter your struggles and how much pain or joy you are in, the world will continue to spin and everyone continues to live their life. I understood this reality after all the letters and visits stopped and my family was left with tons of boxed up clothes and memories of Rebekah. I guess everyone expected us to find a place for our pain just like we would for her belongings.

I remember feeling so guilty when I gave birth to my daughter. I had a strange feeling of joy and shame. How could I be so happy to bring my own little girl into this world when my mother had lost her first born daughter almost a year prior? I often have an internal battle with myself about everyone. I feel so much for others, even complete strangers, that it often makes it hard for me to be happy about my own blessings. Death and struggle have never been far from my mind, especially growing up in the inner city and seeing so many of my brother’s friends die from gun violence. So the importance of life and moments is something I continue to celebrate while feeling sorrow for those who cannot.

Recently, I saw a mother on Instagram lost her son, Ryan. I was following her, then stopped once I saw her post. I often visit her page and smile at her progress, but break down over her sorrow. Her pain is far too familiar and I completely understand her struggle. It is hard for me to witness as I have witnessed my own mother go through the same thing. It makes me think about the many moments in life we take for granted, not ever knowing when and where we may part from the ones we love. As a mother with a young child, I cannot imagine how Ryan’s mother is able to wake in the morning. The sight of her son’s toys, the memory of his smell, the sound of him not saying, “Momma.” Yet she rises, exists, works and continues to contribute to this world. Though her journey is not over and her healing will last throughout her life, she is making an effort to continue through her pain. Forever and always the mother of her son; carrying his love in her veins.

My mother and all the other mothers of this world who have lost a child and battle internally daily to live. They are the women who inspire me to be better. Realizing the small things only matter slightly while understanding whatever struggles I do experience do not compare to my joys. I am currently teaching my five year old about gratitude and the importance of appreciating moments. Children will get so many things. You tell them, “No” and their whole world crumbles. Even though they are just children, these behaviors will carry into adult hood. I want to remind people that their are so many people struggling with real issues that are beyond their control. So understand whatever causes you pain, focus on a way to change it. When those good moments come along, indulge and enjoy them.

Be inspired by those who are struggling more than you and have a little more patience with strangers. Everyone has a battle, but some people are facing a war. A little love could go a long way.

Ashley