In high school and college, making good grades, landing the right internships, and doing well on standardized exams came fairly easy to me. It wasn’t that I didn’t need to study (I did, often, and sometimes sacrificed sleep), but I was always able to carefully devise a plan for my success by working backwards from a goal and putting the necessary steps in motion for a thorough execution. During graduate school, something shifted. I am not certain whether it was the brevity of the master’s program, or the fact that I was only twenty-three when it came to a halt, but those two years left me disoriented. My confidence in myself vacillated – at times, I felt secure in my life choices, and at other moments, the only thing I was certain of was that I had done it all completely wrong.

Constantly feeling as though you’re hustling backwards is enough to make you shake up everything. Whatever it takes, right? I started working out, partially for aesthetic reasons, but primarily to get out of my own head, and recently, I’ve started running. With each mile, my endurance improves, but really, my spirit wins the ultimate prize. I find peace. I find comfort in knowing I’ll get there, even when it’s not quite clear where “there” is. Runners and fitness addicts write and talk about this duality in purpose all of the time (to the point where it’s a bit trite), but I finally understand. So many of us beat up on ourselves for not being where we feel we need to be, for not creating the life for ourselves that we once thought we would. And that’s precisely why I run.

Running through insecurities, family problems, career phases, and wedding planning stress is how I bring the focus back to me and how I can be my best self. It clears my mind. It makes me smile. It lets me know that I am worth fighting for. Listening to myself breathe as I wrestle with the pavement is enough to center me. I am not sure whether I’ll ever try to train to become an elite runner, or even if I’ll ever become a dedicated marathoner, but in this one aspect of my life, I am allowing myself to relinquish my need for control and just survive the route.

There’s haziness ahead. There’s doubt and uncertainty just around that next corner. Run through it.

Angel Banks