“She’s married, he’s engaged, wow they’re making $60K+ a year fresh out of college with a real jobs already, young career women and men. Man, it must be nice to live on your own, drive your own car, to be debtless… to be an ADULT.”

I must stop comparing myself to others. I’m only getting peaks of their lives from the outside. Can I vent this time around? I may need words of encouragement other than my own after this.

“You’re stupid. You’re stupid. How are you studying psychology, but failing psychology classes. You’re stupid! You’re aunty says you’re not even going to make it to grad school. You’re not going.”

These people sure love downing me, even if it’s lies. I’ve never failed a course in my life. It was a rare occurrence to get a grade that was below an 80%: I have always been the book smart one and the one with the most common sense. I’m the logical thinker, the one with the brightest future and dreams that I refer to as future realities. I’ve had the unfortunate pleasure of being raised by a couple who doesn’t see it for me or my siblings when it comes to our lives and successes. These people aren’t my birth parents, thank God. I question where I’m headed in life because of these two souls and the negativity that they’ve attempted to blemish my life with. The negativity of their downfalls and the failings of their own seeds.

Because of these two people, I question everything I am doing with my life, often fearing that I will be as unsuccessful as them and not as successful as many of my peers. Peep this.

Catching glimpses of my peers’ lives, the same ones who have had the same amount of time as I to get their lives together, makes me feel like an absolute failure. I am so far behind it’s laughable. I just feel inadequate. I was one of the ones who were supposed to be flourishing at this point in life. Success has always been in my future. It was/is the plan. Who would have thought, 5 years ago, this is where I would be in life. Damn near nowhere. I’m almost lost, maybe unsure. Frightened of what may come that’s not in my favor.

I often think of what it is exactly that I’m doing wrong. My only fault was switching my road to a career and success so late in life. 3.5 years into my degree, I was over psychology and was planning an unconventionally path to a career in marketing. Wait, I can’t myself for discovering what I loved. Discovering where I belonged in life, finding that one field that would cater to my analytical approach to data and inner creative.

Maybe I should have went straight to grad school, made some serious connects and earned stripes interning, you know, what I planned to do had I continued down the psychology route. But I just had to get some marketing experience. A decision I do not regret, but one that kind of has me in minor shambles. Now, I’m having a bell getting that experience, but working a part-time job, where I do far too much for the little I’m paid, while doing so has be second guessing. Here I am, pinching pennies yet to live on my own post undergrad, it debt and just unhappy with life (or should I say my financial situation.) I constantly pray for a light at the end of my tunnel even though I’m in control of own life. I have to stop letting my fear halt my progress. So far, I’m doing good career wise sans finances.

“Still pushing towards those goals tho huh!?? I can see you being a powerhouse in business one day. You’ve got fire and passion to move buildings.”

God has blessed me with some amazing, positive friends, who see me making moves and believe in my future realities just as much as I do. So why am I doubting the positivity of possibilities while listening to negativity. I have been awarded some great opportunities, since stepping on my instinct and following my destined reality outside of this moment. I am hungry and am sacrificing. This have led me to accomplishing so much in such a short amount of time along with making major connects. I’ve only scratched the surface of my full potential. In the end it will be worth it.

I’ve been under construction for a while now. Like I say, sometimes you have to walk through mud barefoot before you reach the yellow brick road in your ruby reds. Today! Today, my fears stop, no more comparisons, no more worries. I’m on the path that God has intended for me to walk on. The path that will lead me to my idea of success. Watch and see.

Shacs

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