I’m on a quest to inspire women — in life, love and work. But today I’ll focus on love; there will be plenty of time to talk about life and our careers I promise. I found my first challenge earlier last year when I just couldn’t move past my fears and the only way I could express myself was in anger because I felt like my world had ended. The truth of the matter is, when I started my blog, I was an angry black woman who just discovered that my college sweetheart, and husband, father to my beautiful daughter was having an affair. I am even ashamed to admit that as a feminist who just caught the man she loves lying, cheating and orchestrating sexcapades, I was ready to take him back. The term is called putting up with patriarchal oppression and it’s something I will advise other women to stay away from. Yes, you will have heartbreaks but trust me, you will live. I did. I was pregnant, I had a daughter and my husband still kept on with the ungodly act. I moved on. People move on. But how?…..

As a recent college graduate (about 3 years now), a chemical engineer with a very impressive resume, and a non-profit founder, you could tell that I am a very practical person. I have always wanted a whole family because I never had one and I had promised my daughter that I would do whatever it takes to ensure she does not end up in a broken home (the only promise, I have broken to date)…..so I cried, fought hard for the man I once loved, but none of that could bring him back because the truth is, I never did lose anything valuable. When someone chooses to walk away from your life, let them. The problem most young ladies run into is ‘false attachment’ and because somehow a man says he loves you and you feel desirable, you tell yourself it will be hard to lose that love. You wonder if you can ever find someone like him, you wonder if your life can be any more meaningful than being someone’s girlfriend, mistress or wife. You begin to slowly sink into the self-deluded hole of undeserving and unworthiness. I was there. The truth is that, I felt rejected. I knew this other woman wasn’t better than I was, even the husband admitted that, but I still felt like something was wrong with me. That I had done something wrong to drive him to another woman but the reality is that, I didn’t, he did. He chose to live a lie, he chose to be unfaithful, he chose to disrespect his wife and daughter and I shouldn’t be sorry for that. I shouldn’t wallow in self-pity or cry myself to pieces for such human indecency. So after this aha moment, I got out of my rut, got my mojo back and got moving again to the rhythms of life, because that is who I really am, a fighter. And if you have ever been in my position, know that you MUST NOT focus on how you feel, you MUST only think about what you deserve. And what you deserve is a life of ecstatic self-expression, laser-focused love, and mind-blowing, high-voltage moments of joy.

You Have to Roll in the Misery – Yes, cry over that break up, no matter how short it was or how long. Your tears are not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of vulnerability and vulnerability is not a bad thing, it is actually an act of courage. It’s the courage to dare greatly, to let go and receive.

Admit your own Mistakes and Grow from it – When relationships go wrong, it’s easy to blame the other person, but what about the little things you did yourself that caused your partner to act differently? And you may also respond with, what are the things he/she did that caused you to act differently? But let him/her figure that out on their own. Paddle your own canoe. Go on a self-discovery journey (and enjoy your own solitude for a while). Do not attempt to jump into another relationship okay? Just putting that out there, it never helps.

Be Prepared for and Embrace the Change – It will come. A sugar-free rush of change, so sweet, thrilling and powerful. You will embrace a new life of awesomery. You will make new friends, find a new passion, start a new routine. You will do something else other than wallow in your misery. Embrace this change so fiercely, because this is exactly when you start to discover how much steel you are made of. What I did personally was start running, I ran so fast, my legs would give out on me and I would cry occasionally as I took a hot bath till I was pruney, but at these moments, I was slowly embracing change. When I finished embracing change, I started running, not from my fears but because I enjoyed it. Illuminated emancipation, freedom, unalloyed and untainted bliss await you, but you have to choose to embark on the Inward Journey to discover it.

Do not move the way fear makes you move – Move the way love makes you move. And I am not talking ‘baby-making’ love, I am talking self-love. Love yourself. Do something for yourself everyday that makes you feel good. As women, we tend to think that a man showering us with flattery words and material things equates love. Your life is truly your love. Love is what we have when we are truly alive. Immerse yourself in experiences that bring you to live. For me, it was yoga. I then stumbled on this Yoga Sutra by Pantajali, “When you succeed in going within and realizing the peace and joy of your own Self. The moment you understand yourself as the true Self, you find such peace and bliss that the impressions of the petty enjoyments you experienced before become as ordinary specks of light in front of the brilliant sun. You lose all interest in them permanently. That is the highest non-attachment.” Your life, who you are, how you feel should not be attached to anyone person. If someone wants to love you, hope for heaven’s sake that they have discovered themselves too.

Don’t give up on love – We all crave to be loved, and every of our actions is towards attaining it. I will not give up on love but I am changing my approach on love. Don’t allow love to paralyze who you are, let it empower you to live your best life possible. And this time, I know exactly what I deserve. I am not riding high on youthful exuberance anymore. I have a job, I have a career I love, I have a daughter that I completely adore and I have a blogging community that allows me to share my thoughts freely. I am living a remarkable life already and if I ever run into that man who wants to come on board and join my exciting life, then he will have to earn it, because that is what I deserve.

Blessing