Photo on 6-28-13 at 7.13 PM #3
I like to think that I’m a pretty optimistic person. I’ve had my ups and downs, but I always see a light at the end of a tunnel. I try to encourage my loved ones when they’re feeling discouraged. While I’m extremely optimistic, I’m extremely afraid. I’m scared that I’ll be in the same place I am five years from now.

I’m afraid of being alone. I don’t voice my desire for a companion because I think it’s tacky to an extent. I don’t mind being alone right now because it’s always been that way and I’d rather focus on myself anyway. I’m just afraid of being lonely forever, I guess. Oh yeah, I’m also afraid of being vulnerable. I like to keep my sad moments to myself. I may talk to my sister or best friend about certain things, but I don’t like to seem like a complainer because I can’t stand complainers. Sometimes I’d rather cry by myself, listen to music, write about it and let it go. I’m scared of rejection.

I’m afraid of being let down. I’m scared of love even though I’ve never experienced it. That’s why I never let people know that I have feelings for them. Call me childish or whatever, I don’t care. If I don’t tell them, I don’t have to be worried about being rejected and disappointed. This kind of thinking has come back to bite me in the ass, but that’s how I deal with it. Sue me. I’m more afraid of giving love and not receiving it in return.

I’m afraid of not reaching my full potential. I realize the current space I’m in is a “pit stop” along the way, but when will I be happy? When does fulfillment come into play? I look at some of my peers and get inspired and discouraged at the same time.

I’m scared I’ll have to change myself in order to fit the “ideal” mold just to get to where I wanna be. I’m a Black woman with an opinion. That’s three strikes right there. People already have preconceived notions about what it is to be a woman; especially a Black woman. When things don’t make sense to me, I ask questions. I need facts. Hell, maybe it’s the journalistic spirit in me, but you can’t run just anything by me and expect me to accept it. I’m open-minded, but I don’t do well with ignorance. I’m scared of being misunderstood or underestimated.

I can only hope that I’ll eventually face these fears so I can become a better me.

Jaida