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I woke up cold…
sweating…
shaking….

Shit I cursed myself. Here we go with these dreams again.
I reached over and turned on my table lamp so I could face the reality of the mess I’ve made. I was met with a dim light that didn’t take long to adjust to. I was used to dark and dim settings. I found myself there often. More often than I would like to admit.

Piles and piles of tear-stained tissues covered my pretty lilac covers.

-shaking my head- Hello reality. I’m Da’Ja. It’s nice to meet you.I layed back down and instantly went to grab my phone but the distraction of paper, pen and his picture lie there shredded into pieces with the scissors as evidence to what really happened last night. His smile, those eyes…quite like mine.

The dream was vivid. He had touched my hand, looked me in my eyes and proceeded to tell me how sorry he was for abandoning me. He wanted to assure me that his love was real…is real…pure even.

I hated myself for wanting to believe him. I wanted to make it work but everything he’s ever told me just proved that lies exist as long as humans lived. Memories.. so few and far between but so loud that I couldn’t help but to hear them. To remember.. the way his cherry cheeks spread whenever he would talk…that laugh..quite like mine.

I wanted to call my grandmother badly because she was the only one that would listen and half way understand but I didn’t want to hear any scriptures tonight and I wasn’t in the mood to hear about forgiveness. I didn’t want to forgive. Not right now. Not at 3:30am. My best friend maybe? – I scrolled through my phone Nah. She’s on east coast time. Besides, I’m usually the listener, the fixer, the shoulder. I don’t need her stressing over this too.

I turned on Pandora hoping to somewhat challenge my mood with song.

I don’t need you, I don’t need you, I don’t need you, I don’t need you…but I want you.
I don’t mean to, I don’t mean to, I don’t mean to, I don’t mean to…but I love you.

Great! Thanks Jhene. As if I needed a reminder. I yelled so loud hoping she could hear me. But it was just me and my thoughts, my memory and these pictures.

I thought about going back to sleep but I wasn’t sure if it was smart to temporarily sleep the pain off or finally deal with this strained love that had been holding me back all of these years. My thoughts drifted from him to my ex and from my ex to my other ex. It was a f’d up pattern that took me 26 years to realize. It wasn’t them…it was me and it was me because of him. The truth of the matter was, my father broke my heart long before any guy ever had the chance to.

I grabbed the paper and pen from underneath the shredded up pictures. I shook off the dried up tissue that was soaked with fear or love, hatred and unforgiveness just a few hours ago.

Dear Daddy,

I do need you and I want you. I don’t mean to but I love you and I forgive you.

– Your Daughter

Daja