Is it just me or is this “friends forever” shit something we all dream about? We’ve known each other since before we were 12 but didn’t meet until we were 14. Now we are all around 28 and it seems like forever doesn’t it? That’s a long time to know about someone’s existence, especially in the age of social media. I thought we’d be friends forever through thick and thin — but I was wrong.

As a young girl you go through bffs, friends and frenimies. That’s the way life is, but we never went through any of that. We just…were. There were four from freshman year: Big S and then M. We shared memories from basketball tournaments, sleep overs, drunken nights, boyfriend stories, parental issues and whatever other teen anguish we had been through. When we went off to college, I fought hard for our friendships. I wrote emails, made phone calls, created photo collages. I may have even cried about it more than I should have, but it was really that deep for me. I never had sisters so I had cherished those friendships. I savored our moments together like they were the last I would have.

I remember my mom and I would scrounge up every penny so I could go home during the holidays. They were going home, so if we were all together…man it would be like high school again! We would have fun doing things that young girls do, and it would be like nothing had changed. Deep down inside I knew better but I began to realize that I could no longer hold onto the feelings of yesteryear and keep on pretending. No one seemed to be fighting as hard as I was for our friendships. I remember asking myself if this was the natural progression of life or if I was just tripping. I was tripping because I was at home with my girls and that’s all that mattered, but again I was wrong. In my eyes I was the only one keeping tabs on our relationship.

Why was I the only one fighting? Why was I the only one calling and emailing? Why was I the only one worried about their well being? Maybe that’s just the way I am and that’s the way it will always be. Is there something wrong with them not having the same feelings as I did about our friendship? No, they are free to be them just as I am free to be me. But, I do know that relationships — romantic, platonic, and familial — need to be nurtured from all ends and if the other party isn’t willing to participate then it’s time to let go. I felt it coming long before it happened.

I expressed to my old friends on more than one occasion what I needed in order to keep our friendship going and time after time those measures were not reciprocated. I became more aware of the fact that I was in this one alone. I had to tell myself that I will love you all from over here.

Just know that I erased your numbers, but not your memories.

Kissa