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I blocked him.

He would no longer be able to contact me and I was OK with that. Not to mention that I was in the process of moving and he wouldn’t be able to pop-up at my house unexpectedly like he said he would if I didn’t answer the phone.

I know it sounds childish, but I am so over “it” and him. You’re 28 years-old and you’re still living with your momma nem’. Not to mention the audacity you have to drop $500 on a table every other weekend at the club! Who does that?!

Why do I even keep taking myself through this anyway? I know I deserve better, but really, ever since Eric died in that motorcycle accident last year I haven’t even thought about giving anyone else the time of day. And I don’t want to. At least for now. I should walk around with a sign that says, “I am emotionally unavailable” because truth be told, I am. Don’t introduce me to anyone, don’t hook me up with anyone, and don’t give my number out.

I don’t want to meet yo’ man friend.

Why would God take away the person who I thought was “the one?” There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think how life would’ve been like if he was still here. Damn you, Eric! You’ve made it hard for any and every man that comes after you.

Some days are better than others, but there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t replay July 25 over and over in my head. From the argument that we had the night before, to waking up the next morning and realizing he had slept downstairs because he was still mad at me, to the urgent email that I received in my work inbox around 3 p.m. from the local news station about a fatality on highway 59, to the coroners office calling the house asking me if I was aware of what had happened.

I’m bitter about it and to be quite frank, I don’t know if I’ll ever accept it or move on. Yeah, I know everything happens for a reason, but I’m not trying to hear that right now. I’m still comparing everyone to you, Eric. And as I’m riding on this train, looking out the window while the rain pours and the tears stream down my face, in the back of my mind I think that you just might come back. If only I could talk to you one last time…

I guess I’m taking my losses, but I didn’t expect it to be like this

Courtnee