I swore to myself never again! Never again will I allow myself to fall so deep in love or lose who I was in a relationship. I had given him my all, my love, my time and all the other corny things, a girl young in love would say.

At the time, I knew he was no where near faithful neither was he going to be committed to me. My gut feelings told me. My intuition spoke louder than words and I knew I should be out, but of course I was still holding on to what I called love.

I was around 19 or there about and had never been in love before. I never felt love the way I did with anyone else. He was my first love, the one who taught me who I was and who I should never allow myself to be, a valuable lesson I will never forget today.

I was in my first year of university and though I had been warned to be aware of those kind of guys. He was the one I was attracted to.

Being with him meant the world to me. I craved his attention and loved him to pieces. And though he would give me his second best, it didn’t seem to matter to me.

We hung out, I gave myself to him without second thought. He had given me constant little butterflies in my stomach and made me blush even when there was nothing to blush about.

He was my man and I was in an undefined relationship. Undefined, because he wasn’t my boyfriend and quite honestly, I didn’t even know who I was to him, whether his side chick or just friends with benefits. Heck, I battled with defining my status in our relationship.

My undefined status, played on my mind and my self-esteem. The little insecure girl was alive again and I wanted to know why he didn’t love me as much.

I wanted to know my status, I wanted to be claimed his main girl and did everything to get the title, by going the extra mile to make him love me more than the other girl. Or should I say girls? It was just recently I found out I was one of three girls that he had, the young naive 19 year-old who needed to grow up and face the realities about life and truth about relationships.

In that scene of love, I lost myself and battled to define who I was. For heavens sake I didn’t even know who I was. Not only did I struggle with defining my status, I struggled with self-esteem issues, leaving me to believe I wasn’t beautiful or slim enough to be deserving of a man’s only love. I had allowed others to define and label me as the ‘other girl’, the girl who had lost her self-worth and placed less on her value as a woman, who had lost herself into a guy who needed to define who he was before he could define the status of our relationship.

Carey