Today as usual I found myself lying in bed, drinking calming honey tea, and on YOUTUBE, clicking through videos, where one specifically caught my attention. Now what the video was about is irrelevant, but it had me in tears. Not sad tears, but actual tears of laughter. It made me realize how long I laughed at anything. And just that quickly, my laughter turned into sadness.

It’s like my body was not use to being in a good mood anymore. I do not even remember the last time this happened. I could not believe how much power I allowed my ex-boyfriend to have over me. It’s sad how much being myself has now made me so uncomfortable. As much as I tried to force myself to have fun, I never got a good reaction.

You see, he has a particular power over me. He abused the fact that I love him and the fact that I still get excited every time I see the little monkey emoji pop up on my phone screen is sad. I still believe the promises he makes, even though they never fall through. Or even the kids he says we’ll have in the future. I still make myself believe the gestures he makes are real, like how kissing me makes his whole world stop. And my heart still gets weak when he tells me, “No baby, I love you more.”

When I am in the moment, I love it. But when the night is over, I think about how pathetic I am to get caught up. I shake my head at the amount of butterflies I form in my stomach. I cry for two reasons: because I allowed myself to fall so deep and because deep down inside I know it is going to end.

I can’t even be mad at my ex-boyfriend though. As much as I want to blame him for making me this way, I am the one to blame. I am not the woman I thought I was. I was settling for a man, that I thought was the epitome of “happiness”. Continuously I remind myself no one person should have so much control over what, who, and why I am the way that I am. Yes, relationships should teach you a thing or two but not completely change your personality or your authentic being.

Because the fact of the matter is, I never realized that my whole sense of self had changed until I left the relationship. You know how people say, “you are the company, you keep”? Well I never truly believed that someone else’s bad attitude could really rub off of another — that what they felt was okay, could in most cases mean the same for you. And in this toxic relationship with him I became a reflection of him.

At the time, it felt so right. Even after leaving the relationship, I still found myself attracted to his type of asshole.

I had become so accustomed to being at peace with not being myself that I was at peace with still being in love with an asshole. Even though I knew that I eventually would not want to marry an asshole, or even allow my children to have an asshole of a father. Somewhere in my mind, I was justifying these toxic relations and deeming them as okay.

Sad, right? Well at least I am being honest. Do I get recognition for at least realizing that?

Devika