The truth is that it never occurred to me how me wanting to be alone all the time affected those around me. I just believed that it did me good and others good. No fights, no drama, just those peaceful vibes. You see, growing up as an only child for the most part of my life was what caused that for me. I honestly spent most of my time at home with my parents (well that’s how I remember it). I only began having siblings around the age of 9/10. Even then that they are here, I still want to be alone. All the time.

I remember planning outings with friends and at the last minute changing my mind because I rather be home alone. It got to that point where my mom started asking what was the reason for it; she probably felt like something was obviously wrong. But there was no problem. I preferred staying in my room reading and/or watching movies before going out. I got older and it didn’t change even though almost every Friday night and/or Sunday night, you could never find me home. Well to be honest, I never actually wanted to go out. I knew, at this age, I had to give a logical explanation to my friends as to why I didn’t what to go anymore. So instead, I suck it up, went out and enjoyed myself for the time. Then eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. I started distancing myself and blamed it on many other reasons along with some honest ones as well. And tada! I finally got back to where I wanted to be. Home and alone. I really do believe this is why relationships aren’t my thing as well. To know there is someone else there, making time for them and incorporating them into your life? Nah, not having it to be quite honest. The real me just want to be alone; Netflix and chilling. Alone. A couple days ago, a friend of mine sent me a meme with a lady in bed surrounded by cats. I guess he was trying to imply something by sending me that LOL. It’s unbelievably so bad that when it’s time for me to sleep out for a staycation, I get really home sick. I just want to be in my bed at home, alone. I’m by no means trying to offend or upset anyone close to me but this is just me being completely honest and transparent.

I always try to emphasize how being alone is essential to your well-being. Spending time with yourself and getting to know yourself. It may not be even that deep but just being alone to avoid all the noise and conflict that seems to be everywhere. However, science says that by nature, we are social beings and we rely on each other for survival. But if people really knew what I was thinking, I was completely going against that notion. I’m realizing how damaging this could be as it relates to the relationships I hold in my life. There have been multiple occasions where I’d ask my partner for space because I began to miss being alone. I knew he took it the wrong way. I’ve had friends complain about how my distance upsets them and I really need to get out. I’m hearing you guys, I am! I’m trying to change that. I really am. It’s going to be hard but I have to try for those close to my heart. I can’t imagine losing these relationships after years and years of building. Sometimes, I just this wasn’t the case and having people in my space won’t be a big deal.

Image: Rachel James

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Jada Jacinta
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