I really love that in this day and age, the stage for women comedians, authors, actors, and creators has grown. No matter what genre you’d fit into, you would find someone whose voice can resonate with your own and whose story gives you more than some laughs during a 90 minute period.
One of these women is Amy Schumer. I wasn’t familiar with her material given that I hardly watch Comedy Central. However, hearing about her film -and the ‘mimosa’s, hold the orange juice’ bit made me more interested because anything champagne related will always apply to me personally. I dont usually go for raunchy humor but was intrigued by Trainwreck because it was a film written by her and also inspired by her life. I went to the theatre eager and open; and wasn’t prepared for how much i was going to laugh or be touched.
Watching Trainwreck reminded me of eating an artichoke. There are coarse parts in an artichoke that are edible only when boiled; and even then, the whole bud cannot be consumed. I got on board, took each piece for what it was and kept on reaching for more. I laughed and even felt the notion to cry as I gladly scraped the meat off those boiled parts. Boarding the train was all too reminding of the coarse events that we go through, sometimes self inflicted and sometimes involuntary in dating.
There’s people we lead on, only to get something for ourselves. Some that we genuinely do want, and they don’t want us. We use, get used and try to keep our heart in spite of it all.
Amy Schumer’s character reminded me of myself and no- not in the substantial amount of sex she had. It was in her insecurity, and how there was a part of herself that didn’t think she deserved something great. After the boiling water had rested, and edible parts been consumed; i approached the heart of ‘Trainwreck’. Through the laughing and plot building, I didn’t expect myself to get teary-eyed when Amy asked her lover ‘what is wrong with you that you like me?’
That thought, has been a thought in my mind too often. I saw a part of myself in her character that felt so undeserving of love. it forms an insecurity that hopefully not too many of us know, but maybe you do. It was like watching my thoughts on a screen. Why do I let myself believe i’m unworthy of love?
Whenever i have pushed something or someone away, it’s because I believed I couldn’t have it. Maybe i didn’t deserve something that great. I don’t deserve the guy that actually calls instead of texts, the one that wants to see me as much as he can. The one that wants to meet my family or shows his interest too much.
How could I let myself believe that? Why did i bury these feelings deep inside and let take root and grow in me? I was a secret trainwreck, hiding my insecurities in the shadows while on the surface acting like I was secure in myself and what I thought I deserved. Playing myself was a bigger game than playing others. It is one thing to be okay with hooking up, but another to accept it when you think you don’t deserve something more.
It’s taken time and a lot of discipline to restrict myself from manipulating people to get what I want from them. I (am trying) to no longer use people or let myself be used; and how have people left my life because of it! Coming into the light, I’ve embrace my wrecks and self-inflicted -or involuntary damages. There is a love that is amazing, passionate, and truthful; and it will come to me in my time, because I know that I deserve nothing less.
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Tal
