I fell in love four years ago and have yet to get back up. They say it takes anywhere from 1-3 years to get over a loss but I think that’s wrong. I have merely mastered not thinking about it and have definitely mastered the numbness I so longed for.

Now I go back and forth with a rebound that has no idea he is indeed a rebound, I don’t think the other three know either. You see its not that I’m actively involved with them emotionally or physically or all at once for that matter. I use parts of them, one I will call on occasion, and another I can text all day, one I hit up for sex with no hesitation. I never realized what I had been doing up until about a month ago, they all sum up to my ONE.

I haven’t spoken to him in a few months; it ended on an ugly note, as always. We don’t know how to stop speaking to one another, we tried time and time again and we never did stop unless it was some crazy passionate fight; but my move to LA made it easier for the both of us. Not to mention the mess we created in those three years is unbearable, hard to clean up. I’ll spare the details.

But now I sit here and allow myself to creep his page every now and then, I see that he’s happy… or trying to be. Could he possibly not feel the emptiness he has left with me? The more and more I think about it I get upset and think to myself it was all a lie, then I remind myself to not believe everything I think.

I don’t know what I’ll do when I see him, if I see him. You know, my move to LA was to help put the distance between us. I do weird stuff like that, like listen to OUR song over and over and over again until I cant feel anything. I force myself to do things I don’t want but this is what he wanted. He wanted to lead a separate life from me because he has a pretty picture to paint for the world to see and I understand that. So I forced it, just like he did. How could I be so angry when we both do the same thing? I honestly don’t know, but my level of cynicism has reached an all time high. I feel as if I’ll never find another who will touch my soul the same way he did; who will teach me to love even harder and even more-so make me want to allow it.

I’m not scared of love, I use to be and he was the one I wanted to let myself go with. It’s partially because I told myself when I met him that I would not be scared and I would not push away. I know it takes serious courage but it can be done, I’m just waiting for the day that I look into someone’s eyes again and know that there’s hope.

I wrote this entry just to help myself sort this all out for the millionth time but all I seem to do is get myself back into perspective with my imaginative story line. The two who fell in love and never got back, this movie ends that way or they meet once they’re old and still not willing to go back. I’ve been at a stand still with this situation, which is why I don’t think about it. I don’t want to hear that it’ll be okay and that real true love is out there, to just be patient. I want to hear his voice. I want to hear him tell me he still loves me and that no matter what I do or how far I go, that I will always be his no matter what.

– the broken hearted girl who kinda doesn’t mind it

Jasmine Baeza

Image Source: Charles Jourdan 1977 // Photographer: Guy Bourdin