Late nights and early mornings up lurking again. This is nothing new. I’m used to it and he is too. But this time…this time was supposed to be different. I was supposed to be done and move on. Not to keep going back reminiscing. Not dissing then missing. Laid up overthinking which eventually turns into me scrolling through his twitter and Instagram….

Lurking.

Something has to change. I wasn’t supposed to search his page. I wasn’t supposed to click his name. I wasn’t supposed to sit there and stare. I wasn’t supposed to see this bitxh flirting all up in his comments calling him bae. A picture of him playing in her hair. She was cute but she wasn’t me. She seemed funny but she wasn’t me. She was doing too much in his comments trying to be seen. And I saw her.

Lurking.

I got mad but I wanted to know more. I got jealous but I needed to find more. Were they committed? Did she meet his fam? Did she meet the crew? Did she know about me? She seems so cool. Ahhh.

Scrolling.

Seeing his happiness light up through the screen, had me in my feelings. I needed to come clean. He needed to know I was sorry for what I said, I didn’t want this to end. I didn’t want him to move on and forget what we did. Forget what we felt. Forget what we planned. You know what f- it, he did what he did.

Scrolling.
Lurking.

I’ll be okay. I think it’s time to chill. Exit this page and move on for real. Five more minutes and I’ll be done for good. I made my move. But suddenly got chills. My heart began to beat and my stomach wouldn’t sit still. I couldn’t have felt more stupid than I’ve EVER felt before. I accidentally liked the picture of his stupid little whore.

Blair.

I wanted to scream. I took back that like. Gladly. In a rage. Logged out so fast. Buried my face in the pillow and wanted to kick my own ass. My phone lit up and his name appeared… I was hesitant to open the text because I knew what he just saw. I feared his reaction. I was guilty. I was upset. I was furious and embarrassed. I opened his text and couldn’t help but laugh. “I see you being messy. I miss you too.” At least I got his attention but that wasn’t my intention. I gotta let this go. Us go. Let him live. Let him love. Stay off of his page and out of his mentions. Move on with my life and stop looking back wishing. Block his number. Change his name. Unfollow him on Instagram and stop playing this game.

Damn. I got caught.

Lurking.

Daja is a Mentor for young ladies in the Community of Las Vegas where she teaches them to love themselves unapologetically. She wears many hats but the one that is most recognized is her ownership and dedication to No Boiz Allowed, a Women Empowerment Brand that she launched in 2011.

This post was written from Day 27 of the #30Layers30Days Self Discovery Challenge