I know they say that around 50% of conflict in marriages and relationships is due to finances, but I never thought that I would be a part of that statistic.

I’ve never dated a man because of money, and money isn’t something that drives my interest. I have dated men with money and men without. Of course every girl loves being spoiled, but as an entrepreneur, I have always had the drive and need to make my OWN money, regardless of what my partner has going on.

My cousin and I were roommates with one of my good friends (we’ll call him Joe.) We all had our own rooms and all payed equal rent. A couple months after all three of us moved in, I began dating Joe.  He and I were close friends for a long period of time prior to us all becoming roommates, and it just felt natural.

Before I moved in with my cousin and Joe, I was in a relationship and living with the guy I was with. It wasn’t that living with my man was a bad experience, because it was actually quite pleasant. But once that relationship got toxic, I felt trapped because there was still about two months left on the lease. Your landlord doesn’t give two sh*s about your relationship drama, and neither does a binding legal contract. So although the previous relationship and living with my then-boyfriend was a mostly-great experience, once it got bad, it got BAD. The last two months my ex and I lived together went by sooo slowly. Thus, I vowed to never live with another boyfriend, until he and I were at least engaged.

So (fast-forward to Joe) although Joe and I lived together, it was not premeditated or planned, and I also had my cousin living with us. We all had our own space, and split all the bills three ways. So even though I made that vow to myself, it’s not like I PLANNED to start dating Joe, and I most definitely didn’t anticipate living with my next boyfriend. I felt like this new situation was different. And it was, until the crap hit the fan.

After a few months, Joe began having problems with school and then lost his financial aid. He also ended up getting laid off from his good-paying job. Around the same period of time, my cousin decided to go to the Navy. We got out of our lease early, my cousin took off to the military, and so Joe and I were both kind of stuck. It was the middle of the school year, he had no family support whatsoever, no job or school money coming in, and couldn’t find a decent job to save his life. So, I found a small place, and Joe and I moved in together. What else was I to do? He has nobody else in the world but me.

During our stay at the new little spot, I had so much fun with Joe. We had almost the perfect relationship, because Joe was the perfect man for me. He’s tall, soooo handsome, he loved God, he was funny, faithful, and supportive of my dreams. Not only this, but (as previously stated) he and I had been friends for years PRIOR to getting together, so our communication was almost effortless. But, as perfect as he was, his finances were equivalently f-d.

He tried to get on unemployment, and he did, but unemployment in California is so terrible, and unpredictable. At one point he missed 3 months worth of unemployment checks, setting us back THOUSANDS of dollars. And of course, you know who had to try and make up for that.

Being a full-time student, being involved in other activities, and working to pay MY HALF of things was already a struggle. But after some time I had to try and pick up the load for the both of us. It was so stressful.

Joe managed to get odd jobs or short term hustles here and there, but he never really got stable or back on his feet. Nor did he get back in school so he never got school money either. Not only this, but Joe did not have a car, so any vehicular-related expenses were mostly my expenses to worry about, even though we both used the car.

I’m not saying that Joe was a bum ass nigga, because he wasn’t. He was just very lost at the time and life was just Mayweather’ing him, in many different areas. His parents never really helped him out either. After he got laid off, things just kept spiraling downward.

So to continue, while all of these finances are piling up, I began to try and make up for what he lacked. I became over-worked, exhausted physically and emotionally, frustrated, and I even started questioning God. As you can guess, this started taking a huge toll on my relationship with Joe.

I started to get annoyed at his every move.

I started hating the sound of his voice.

The stress was affecting my health, and I lost so much weight. I looked so exhausted all the time.

We used to have sex like every day, and before I knew it, four months had passed since we did it. I wasn’t attracted to him sexually. I didn’t want him anywhere near me. Joe is one of the finest men I’ve ever seen … but I didn’t even have the desire.

By this time it was May. My birthday month. Not only was he unable to get me anything for Valentine’s Day in February or on Christmas the year before, but Joe couldn’t even afford to get me anything for my birthday. Again, I’m not a flashy type of woman, I don’t ask for the fancy things in life. BUT, I don’t care HOW down-to-Mars you are. If your man is unable to get you ANYTHING for THREE major holidays in a ROW… you’re going to be affected by it. And I was. And I grew very angry.

That was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Since my birthday was completely miserable, (not just because of Joe’s brokeness, but my friends kind of screwed me over as well) I went out of town with some other friends at the end of May to celebrate one of their birthdays. On this week-long trip, I cheated on Joe.

I had never cheated on anyone. I had never hated someone I was with. But something very unfortunate happened after months of financial stress — I stopped respecting Joe as a man.

I didn’t care about his opinions, I didn’t care about his needs, because mine weren’t being met. I didn’t feel like a cheater, because he wasn’t even a whole person to me. In my mind he probably even deserved it.

But of course, I was completely wrong and my actions were selfish. The whole cheating “experience” was so stupid and I regretted it the second I was done. But at the time, I felt like I was in the right. I just did not respect Joe anymore. Instead of breaking up with him (I worried about where he would go with no money, no car, no job) I decided to stick around in the misery and that lead to betrayal.

Two things I learned:

-Once I stop respecting a man, I have no business whatsoever staying in a relationship with him.
-Stress and pressure leads good people to act out of character.

This clarity did not hit me until months after Joe and I broke up, by the way. I had to do a lot of praying and self-examination to learn these lessons, and to find the silver lining in all of this.

So, now you know the story about how me and Joe..the most loving, happy, passionate, perfect couple you could ever meet… became a relationship statistic.

It’s been a couple years, but as for now, I don’t see myself living with ANYONE I’m dating ANY time soon. Money has so much power over our relationships, not just romantic ones either! It’s ridiculous. I never thought that it could ruin a relationship as wonderful as mine.

So, I gained a better understanding of love and money. Not only this, but until a man comes along and at least puts a ring on my finger, I should not feel so much obligation to sacrifice my happiness, my time, and my health to help him make a better life for himself. I’m not saying that I’m not still a down ass female, because I am. I think you SHOULD fight with and for your man through the tough times. I’m just saying that I now have limitations as to how long I can fight, before I throw the towel in.

What are your thoughts about love and finances, or love and business?

Anonymous

Image Source: Vogue France, May 1987, Photographer: Hans Feurer