So, I was talking to a friend who was so heart broken to lose the man she considered to be the love of her life. She loved this man so much. She would do anything to make him happy. But it got to the point where she started to lose herself in him. Her individuality was lost, buried under a need to please him to the fullest extent of the law. She says she feels like she is nothing without him. But, I say, “Don’t you believe that lie! it’s time that you learn how to be complete in your own love!”

What she may not see now is that God did her a favor. Sooner or later, she will get stronger. She will begin to shine a light on the woman she was created to be – coming into her own! She will begin to hold her head up high and strong, realizing that her identity is everything and should never have been sacrificed in order to feed the insecurities of another man.

No longer will a man be able to question her loyalty. She will no longer accept his attempts to break her down or make her feel unworthy. He will understand that her decision to wear stilettos and candy red lipstick allows her to express confidence in herself. Her choice to dress nice is not to attract the attention of other men, but to affirm and validate the beauty SHE sees in herself. She will see that her choice to love herself un-conditionally has nothing to do with him.

I can relate to her because I was once there. I was once the woman who would do any and everything to please her man, including selling bits and pieces of her soul to do so. Hiding in the shadows of the Queen submerged beneath her fears and insecurities. One thing I didn’t realize until it was almost too late was that I was looking to be loved by others without first learning how to truly love myself.

I didn’t know my worth or what my standard of love should be. Affection and intimate attention from another man was what “completed me”. I was engrossed in the apparent facade of what I imagined love to be in my mind’s eye, that I lost sight of its true meaning. If I was getting the attention and affection the skin of my soul desired I interpreted this feeling as “love”. The goose bumps I felt oozing from the surface of my skin became my confirmation.

But as time progressed in the relationship and he seemingly became bored with me, the “love” changed. The tenderness and warmth that once embraced my entire being faded like a bad tattoo. Desperate not to lose this apparent exterior form of love, I gave my all, pouring my spirit into pleasing him. Like waterfalls gushing down into a forest river, I poured myself into willing this man to love me. Insecure, I believed that getting him to fall in love with me would somehow validate my existence. But I was wrong.

As a woman, I can attest to the fact that females are emotional beings. When we love, we love hard. For some, our existence becomes warped, wrapped around the idea of the possibility of “true love”. This is a dangerous place to be in: gambling with your heart for the slight chance that the one you consider to be your one true love must return the love you feel for them. You begin to feel entitled, as if this person is required to love you just as hard, if not harder. But wildflowers, how can we demand something of another that isn’t ours to give?

It is so vital that we as women do not lose sight of our identities and that we don’t hang on in order to fulfill some apparent need to be in a relationship. Fear of loneliness should not keep you from living the life you deserve to live. Stop maintaining a lie in an attempt to put on this front for the world that you are happy and in love.

Love should encourage you to be the best you possible; it should strengthen you, not weaken your spirit. Have the courage to fall in love with you, allowing God’s love to complete the desolate spaces in your heart. You are worthy of greatness and deserve to be treated like the Queen that you are.

It’s time to stop hiding in the shadows of another man in an attempt to feel good about whom you are as an individual. Don’t settle! Set standards, but don’t be impracticable. Until God blesses you with your king, remain content in your own love, preparing yourself to be truly loved by another.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” – Maya Angelou

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S. Sonia is a Family Advocate by day, and a poet, writer and blogger by night. Belizean bread – one of her favorite past-time includes indulging in some good ol’ Caribbean cuisine. She uses her blog as an outlet & platform, hoping her journey can inspire Queens out of the shadows of their fears and into the light of their destiny. // @QueenInTheShdws