chopbanana

I hate men.

Correction: I hate straight men.

I hate all straight men.

Correction: I hate all straight men except for my dad.

I hate all straight men except for my dad because my dad has never let me down.

I’ve been in this rut for a good minute now. I guess the immaturity, insecurity, and mostly inconsistency from straight guys has left me exhausted, disappointed, and a bit angry.

Unfortunately, being in the “I hate all *straight men” rut takes a lot of energy, and the energy expended to maintain levels of hate can leave one feeling rather…parched.

I’ve found myself beginning to swoon whenever any guy shows even the smallest action of kindness. And I hate this because “nice” should never be a huge compliment. I think it’s a fair expectation to be kind to others. It’s the least you can do for a stranger, and it’s mostly for your own benefit.

But when a guy holds open the door, smiles after making eye contact, or excuses himself for being in the way – I briefly imagine us on our first date, walking down the aisle, and pushing our twins in matching strollers. That’s right. Twins.

Just a few days ago an old acquaintance of mine that I rarely see/speak to squeezed my arm in passing. He didn’t say anything, just squeezed the back of my arm, made eye contact, smiled, and kept it moving. Usually if someone I barely knew squeezed my arm fat in public I would be outraged, but suddenly I noticed how cute his smile was.

And because of just this interaction I’ve revisited every interaction we’ve had in the past, rethinking and over thinking if it meant something. I compare these moments to similar moments with other guys who over time revealed themselves to be f***boys.

What is a f***boy exactly? He is a boy who is dedicated to achieve orgasm with the least amount of effort possible. He will do anything in his weak, unskilled power to achieve this.

He is especially attracted to girls who have no prior experiences with their kind as they can’t recognize the classic f***boy signs such as but not limited to:

  • Showing/telling his infatuation/admiration of you too soon
  • Making his friends believe that there is something going on between the two of you
  • Convincing you that something is going on between the two of you
  • Startled and offended when you address that something is going on between the two of you
  • Defending his past actions as nothing but just “friendly” behavior
  • Making sure you realize that you are not as special as he made you believe during the first stage
  • Going MIA
  • Showing back up uninvited X amount of time later acting as if you two never moved from the honey moon stage

So I should avoid all men, right?

But that arm squeeze and smile though?

I have no idea why I care so much! I don’t want nor am I even ready for any kind of relationship right now, as I am still recovering from f***boy illness, but is it too much to ask for someone to buy me food and touch my butt every once in a while? Particularly during Netflix binges?

None of this is healthy, but I have no idea how to get over past hurt without hating the origin.

As a good friend of mine once said: F*** straight boys…but also f*** straight boys.

Pray for me y’all.

Olivia

Image Source: “Just Add Water”, Glamour US, May 2000 // Photographer : Walter Chin // Model : Estella Warren