That awkward moment when someone actually decides to speak up on an awkward matter… (guilty face)
For many adult women, the longevity of a good friendship means the world to us. As most of us probably know by now, it is hard to trust people. The motives of others are so unclear nowadays; it seems everyone is out for themselves at the expense of everyone else and no one has immunity to the foul play. By the time you reach your 20’s, you’ve probably already witnessed former female friends being unfaithful girlfriends to their boyfriends, shady siblings to their sisters and of course, a bad friend to you. So when we do have a trusted female comrade at such a vulnerable point in our lives, we are beyond grateful. Not only do we trust them, but we also want to trust their decision in the company they keep. It’s almost as though we willingly give their boyfriends the benefit of the doubt as much as they do.
But what happens when you give someone the benefit of the doubt and their luck runs out? I personally have found myself in the middle of some very questionable situations where I felt my friend’s man was being a little friendlier than average. So here are some tips that I have to offer to simmer the tension between your friend, her beau and you.
1. Don’t Doubt Yourself- Most likely your suspicions are accurate.Your friend’s boyfriend is flirting with you. But whose to say you’re the only one? Perhaps he is flirtatious in nature. This is not to say that being flirty is acceptable but it may not be your place to point it out. Some people don’t even realize that they are being “too-friendly” and will be able to deny your allegations because they simply don’t notice it themselves. This in turn makes you look like an instigator. However, doubting yourself eventually leads to denial which may lead to him picking up mixed signals. So be aware of what you suspect but hold off on your accusations.
2. Don’t Ignore It- If you sweep enough dirt under a rug, it will eventually lump up and sum up into a huge mess! Do not ignore your suspicions but at the same time, do not announce it just yet either. Simply acknowledge that he’s a flirt. Once you do so, you will react better to the situation. This means you will never underestimate his underlying motives and will respond accordingly to any inappropriate jokes, calls, texts and/or requests to “meet alone to talk about something.”
3. Try to Avoid Being Alone With Him- This includes when he calls you up to assist in “shopping for a gift” or even when your own friend tells you it’s okay to hang out with her man. It’s every girl’s (and guy’s) dream for the beau to get along with the homies. But lets be real. It’s bad enough your friend can hardly notice the indecency of her man when she is around, so why set yourself up for a possible “he-say she-say” scenario later with no witnesses? If you don’t want to appear too suspicious with your constant attempts to dodge one-on-one time with Mr. Sly Guy, sign up to be a third wheel on occasion. This means every once and while, accept an invite to hang out with the two of them. This will also help him to witness just how good of a friend you really are to her, and only her.
4. Limit Phone Contacts & Response- In this new day and age, there are all forms of communication. Some people would rather take certain things lightly by saying “It’s just Facebook or Twitter,” or even “It’s just a text, it could mean anything,” but let’s be honest, it’s 2012 and those things count. If your friend’s flirty boyfriend finds himself messaging you, do not feel obligated to reply to each message. And if he calls, no need to answer. If it’s important enough, he’ll leave a voice mail. Once you start noticing an excess of casual conversation, steer clear and he’ll eventually get the hint. Remember, you are her friend, not his. You may owe him respect, civility and if he earns it, a form of mutual camaraderie, but besides that, you owe him nothing.
5. If Your Friend Asks You First, Speak Up! – An opportunity has presented itself for you to voice your opinion, so use it. Your friend might not be straight forward in asking you if her man is a flirt but she may bring up the fact that she thinks some things are inappropriate. For example, during a friendly conversation or joke, she may ask: “Why is Derek always commenting on your butt? I know he’s just joking, but still.” You could say: “Right? So weird. I thought I was the only one who noticed that.”
Not all situations will go ideally. Some people actually mistake one’s passive ways as an invite to keep going on. This means that unfortunately, your friend’s boyfriend might be more than just a flirt, he may just be an all around creep. Now is your time to trust the friend that you have and express to her your concerns about your true feelings regarding her man.
Again, not all people who come off as friendly are flirting with you. There are good men out there who were raised by queens and naturally treat all women with some standard of royalty. However, these men are most often very smart as well and know the difference between chivalry vs. flirty and courtship vs. friendship. And at this age, it’s safe to say you know the difference too. So if you feel he’s coming on strong or coming off wrong, speak up before he does! A good friend will keep in mind that you only have her best interest at heart and she will listen.
Sincerely,
