Bring It Back

God has a funny way of bringing things to our attention when we burn bridges first and ask questions last. He does this thing with me where I run fast and far from a problem and just when I thought I’ve gotten to a place where I can finally stop and rest, He places something in my path that gets me to running back in the opposite direction as if I’ve left something behind that needs to be reclaimed.

We’re only a few months into the new year and I’ve been having different dreams involving the same person for over a week now. I’m at the point where I no longer ask questions regarding this – I know what this is about – unfinished business. I’ve burned a bridge that I felt should be torched but I’m wondering if my dreams keep presenting this person to my subconscious to tell me,

You’ve made the decision to light the bridge, to destroy any opportunity to cross over ever again but yet you stand on the opposite end watching it go up in flames. You have regrets. You feel remorse. You’re second-guessing your own choices that at a point you once felt would bring you happiness. Why couldn’t you erase the bond between you and the person and keep it moving if you were certain, that’s what you wanted to do?

And so, I think of that line from the Wizard of Oz, the one that goes, “as for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don’t know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.” My heart clearly has been broken (oh, the joys of life) and like so many of us who deal with the aftermaths of a failed relationship with a loved one, be it a family member or that person we thought we’d spend forever with, I cannot help but think about us. About what went wrong, what was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and what will ultimately never be because of XYZ. That damn heart. That thing that makes us love to the extent we thought only existed in the movies and that little organ that made us give openly and freely of ourselves. That thing that fought with the mind and rebelled and did what she pleased. That heart that won’t allow us to let go with no regards to how much time has passed.

Damn me for being loyal to the core and forgiving. Sometimes, I wish I could just rid of something and be done with it without feeling guilt and my conscious kicking my ass afterwards. It’s interesting how I used to find myself running from reality by spending most of my days napping or eager for the day to be over just so I can go to sleep. Now, it’s as if this issue that I need to deal with has followed me to my dreams, whispering, you can run but you can’t hide.

How many of us run from things that eventually catch up to us? When was the last time you made a choice and wish you could do it over? While I felt I was at peace with my decision to end a stagnant and unhealthy relationship, I wonder what it is I need to know and see about this particular situation. Far too often, we close chapters, even entire books and think that’s the end to our problems but what I realized with this dilemma is, I’ve closed the book but really, there is no closure.

Erica, Twitter: @KaeNdKamsMom & @everythingEnJ