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I had to touch upon this topic after years of casting one too many “side eyes” to one too many women. If I give one more 20-something year old the “are you serious” look with accompanying eye roll, my face might just get stuck in that expression.

Ok, so maybe my outward reactions are never that dramatic but internally my feelings are just as strong. What is it with the stigma surrounding dating a man with child? I stress the word “man” because I am referring to adult relationships involving procreation and not teen moms and their freshman love affairs. I mean let’s be serious. Many adults place themselves in situations that can lead to pregnancy so I fail to see what’s shocking about an adult having a kid. Most often these children are actually from failed long-term relationships and not just from random flings. How can I judge someone who has a child that came from a once healthy relationship turned sour?

Don’t get me wrong, being involved in a relationship bigger than a party of two can be stressful but drama does not discriminate. Last I checked, couples also incur problems from relationships not involving any kids at all. Perhaps I am more empathetic to the idea because I have been involved with men who have child(ren) and I’ve had a chance to witness for myself how bad it isn’t. However, I also had to learn many lessons along the way. Allow me to explain.

Due to a heavy involvement in school , my first relationship as a young adult could be considered my first relationship ever. I was twenty years at the time and it was with a close friend of mine. It helped that my introduction to an adult – relationship was with someone I’d known for years. However, I would soon learn that dating as an adult meant dealing with adult issues. During the early stages of this relationship we found out that my boyfriend had gotten a woman pregnant from a casual affair that took place prior to us getting together. Reluctantly I went forward with our romance and it was one of the most stressful moments in my life. The whole time you are dating a man who has a woman pregnant, you are adjusting to the idea that you are actually dating a man who has a woman pregnant. You spend so long adjusting to that thought alone that you forget to actually brace yourself for the baby that is on the way. Once his child did arrive, it was a whole new world and whirl of acceptance. I was prepared to accept these terms however, he was not. He would eventually end our relationship and friendship shortly after the arrival of his daughter.

About a year and a half would go by before I found myself in another serious relationship and this time it was with a guy who had a son. Now for any of you wondering, no I do not intentionally go looking for parental suitors. It’s just that I don’t discriminate when it comes to who I date either. Dating is like duck-duck-goose and I can’t help who my heart lands on. And shortly before turning 22, mine landed on a 25 year old father and his baby boy.

By this point, dating a man with child appeared easier seeing as to how I did not have to brace myself for any surprises.

Or so I thought.

You see, I automatically assumed that because I knew there was a child involved and due to the immeasurable amount of unforeseen events and emotions in my prior relationship, that this situation would be easier to go into. Hell, there was no way things could get harder than what I experienced before. But I would soon find out I was wrong.

The first thing I did was introduce my boyfriend to my family and I also introduced the idea of his son to them as well. Physically introducing his son to my family would come later. I did this to earn respect from my parents about a decision I had already made without them- their acceptance would come later and then afterwards, so would their love. By this point baby boy was a little older than one and the spitting image of his father. What wasn’t there for me not to adore about these two?

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However, this particular man would soon learn that it was difficult to comprehend matters of his heart at such an early stage of his child’s life. I learned that the emotions at that point for how a man feels about the mother of his child are very fresh, confusing and conflicting. Unfortunately during this time, our relationship reached a point where the child’s mom did not want her son around me at all and convinced my ex through enough explicit guidelines that this was a fair and rationale decision. Needless to say our relationship did not last long afterwards because what is a relationship with a full-time dad if you can not be around his kid? Although we did not last my former boyfriend was able to land in another relationship about two years later. By this point his son was three and him and his new girlfriend were able to successfully lead a relationship with his son and family being both aware and involved. I guess by that point the mother of the child already accepted what their relationship as, or rather, what it wasn’t. To this day me and him remain friends.

I’m sure by now I’ve probably convinced most of you why not to date a guy with kids, which isn’t my intention at all. If anything, I want to be as real as possible in my testimonies and experiences so that if you do consider taking this step, you are fully prepared on what to expect. This way you can make the best out what is a tricky, but potentially amazing, situation.

I have decided to share with you all a few precautions you should take when getting involved in a shared-love affair with a man and his child. This is because in many cases when these relationships fail, they can be very hurtful in the end for all parties involved. As a woman, you feel like you broke up with two people instead of one. And in some cases, the kid can get hurt as well. But don’t get me wrong, when done right it can be healthy and rewarding like any other relationship. Yes, dealing with someone who has a child does have a price, but it doesn’t cost nearly as much as what you get in return. The love of two people in a relationship is the type of baggage I don’t mind having but that’s because my experiences taught me to be accepting and appreciative of such situations.

So here a few tips and concerns you should have if considering getting involved with a BIG and his “small”.

1. Consider dating a man whose child is a little older
 I would say about 3 years old and up. I learned from my last boyfriend that it takes time for a man to know what he wants after having a kid. Especially a first time father. He may tell you one thing but his feelings are subject to change later. Does this mean he lied to you? Not necessarily. Understand that no man or woman can predict how they will feel once a child comes into their lives. Think of it as a math equation- the outcome changes with each new variable.

Also, most new parents feel obligated to try at least once to make things work with their partner in order to give a fair shot at a traditional family structure. And that’s completely understandable. As I mentioned above, by the time my ex’s son was reaching the end of his toddler years, he was able to successfully bring him around his new friend. I learned that it takes some people years to realize that it is in fact very possible to still be a good parent without actually being with their child’s mother. My parents have also displayed this through their ability to be good parents to their kids, just not good for each other. So again, when considering dating a man with children, keep in mind that the child’s age is key to figuring out how many years of experience your potential suitor has had with dating as a father.

2. Make sure you make your role and intentions clear
Ladies, most men are not looking for a new mother for their child. For the most part, they are happy with the mother their child already has. And you know who else is happy with their mommy? The kid! Do not undermine the awareness of children, they are extremely observant beings and easily displeased at the first sign of discomfort. So don’t be too intrusive!

Make sure you introduce yourself to your boyfriend’s son or daughter with a friendly nickname. Most kids call me “Raya” by default, a shortened version of my full name. This is so that they know you are not there to be their mom, but rather, their friend first.

If it’s possible, try and set up a day where you get to meet the mother of the child as well. Every parent has the right to want to know who their child is with when not with them. You may need your man’s help with setting this meeting up.

3. Adjust your priorities accordingly
There are different things you have to accept when being in a relationship involving children. For one, you have to understand that in most cases, if not all, his child comes first. This may mean having to cut dinner short if their is an emergency at home or accepting that it may be indecent to spend the night at your boyfriend’s the first couple of nights the kid is over his place. Relax- you were spending a few nights alone without your boyfriend before you two met and you can sacrifice a couple of more now.

I think many people find this concept hard to wrap their minds around since everyone wants to be the highest priority in any relationship. But when you think about it, when it is your time to be a mom, your child will be your highest priority too. Even placed above your spouse. Just know that for your boyfriend, this lesson in selflessness has already happened for him. An attentive and reliable father is a reflection of a man’s character. Would you really want to date someone who is good to you but a negligent dad? It’s almost admirable when someone can place someone else’s needs above their own, so learn to accept and respect that. Trust me, the right man will appreciate you for understanding his situation and will also treat you like a queen for your amazing ability to be a willing participant!

4. Don’t forget you are a priority too

Let’s face it. As women, we’re all about lists and we try to adhere to a certain order.

1. First comes love,
2. Then come marriage,
3. Then comes baby in a—
Oh wait. we skipped 2 and went to 3, huh? Listen, do not live by the order, live by the list. Just because the order of your list has shifted, doesn’t mean it’s hasn’t already been written. Still desire and expect what you want out of a relationship. Yes, you went straight to being a pseudo step-mom but so what? Does that mean you can forget any thoughts of ever being a wife? Does this mean the next step is coexisting and playing house without hope of some type of full-commitment later?

Not unless you want it to mean those things.

I remember my brother told me two years ago when I was a junior in college and dating my ex “You’re good but please don’t become a baby mama.” I knew what he meant even if he expressed it in such short words. There is a difference between a “single-mother” and a “baby mama” and the difference is all in how you act, how you carry yourself and what you tolerate. My brother basically didn’t want me to forget that I am a deserving woman who still can be a wife and mom when the time is right for me. Sometimes “playing the role of mom” makes you come down with baby fever and has us thinking our time for conception is soon. But relax. Personally, I want to wait until I am married a couple of years before me and my partner have kids. Whether he has a child or not, my goal is to be a great wife and make my husband my top priority and then be a great mother afterwards. Once I’m a mother- I will always be a mother first. My husband will be a close second (sorry hunny!). At least that’s what I hope but again, you never know. Just always remember that it’s okay to prioritize others in your life but make sure you are still worried about yourself too.

5. Always keep in mind that a kid is involved. THEY matter most.

Quite often after winning over the heart of our man, we can grow impatient with the time it takes to win over the hearts of their mini-me’s. Remember, it is the father’s job to appreciate you, not his child’s. Your boyfriend owes you his love, his kid owes you nothing. If you go into a relationship thinking you are settling and as a result of that, that people owe you something.. well, you may not be mature enough for such a shared-love-affair. At the end of the day, the comfort of the child is what matters here most.

Also, do not try to expedite a kid’s emotions towards you. Allow these feelings to develop naturally. After being around enough, I have had children call me “mom” and it is something that I answer to because it is only natural that this will happen. A good father does not introduce his child to just any woman and the presence of another woman who displays maternal attributes will often make young kids call you “mom” sometimes. Don’t correct them, it’s not necessary. And don’t be offended when they call you by your regular name next time too. This is just as new for them as it is for you.

SOJO