As I went through my teenhood, I always felt less special and less valuable because I got no male attention. I felt strange, ugly, unsexy, and unlovable. It hurt that no one wanted to kiss me. It hurt quite a bit.

When Mark came along, I was excited. Finally, someone saw something special in me. He thought I was cute and smart, and he wanted to kiss me. I wanted to hold on to him because having a guy in my life made me feel normal and special. So, I ignored the fact that he smelled like his musty house. The fact that he pressured me to kiss him. And let him finger me. I ignored him making me feel like one of many girls – less important than the first and definitely not the last. I ignored his flaws and so much of the things that made me uncomfortable because I thought I could see something better in him.

I never thought I would be so easily hurt by a guy. But…he hurt me. I felt so stupid when it was over. So relieved that I lost my phone and we stopped talking. So glad we didn’t go further. So angry at my foolishness. But, I was so eager to love and be held that my vision was clouded.

After Mark, I felt like something was wrong with me. I was already uncomfortable with guys — but now I felt a block between me and them. I didn’t see them as people, and I was afraid of being in another situation like that or being unable to have a healthy relationship.

I talked to Sebastian, and my block was still up. Sometimes, conversation was difficult. I was insecure. It ended and again I felt strange. I felt like a relationship had slipped through my fingers, even though I wanted it so badly.

At this point in my life, I wanted to lose my virginity to someone I loved…still. I wanted true intimacy and true love. I wanted sweetness and happiness. But, I had lost faith in myself. I was afraid that a guy would only want to have sex with me. I was afraid of having my heart broken. I could see my fears holding me back from exactly what I wanted. I couldn’t talk to guys because I was afraid. I would push them away — then and before. I almost made sure no one was interested in me. No one would get past my walls. No one would get in.

Then came Anthony. I was drunk and high at the dorm room party and didn’t want to do anything I’d regret. I said no to sex. But he called me cute and looked at me with sweet eyes. I didn’t see any maliciousness in his eyes. I didn’t see the subtle irritation I had seen in Mark’s eyes. I didn’t see the questioning I saw in the eyes of Sebastian. Only joy. He called me sexy. I hadn’t been called sexy, like that, before. It had always been tinged with dishonesty.

Anthony felt genuine.

I also feared pornography’s affect on me. I was afraid I couldn’t respond to anything sexual except vulgar images and my own touch. My detachment from kissing, touching, and guys instilled fear in me. This fear combined with the fear wall I put up and a detachment from the morals of my childhood, made me decide to have sex.

I wanted to have sex. I wanted to let someone in. To let someone call me sexy, appreciate me, hold me. I wanted this, without the bullshit and without love. No ulterior motives, no dishonesty. I wanted to prove to myself I could…porn didn’t have some ridiculous hold on me. I wanted to fight the idea that my value is defined by the men who touch me. Or that I have to wait for some guy to save me from the sadness I felt. Or the hurt and insecurities I felt.

I just needed to let go. To feel something. To be with someone who wanted me.

When I saw Anthony again we had sex.

I didn’t mind losing my virginity this way because it opened my eyes. It showed me how I defined I am by me.

Jessie L.
Pitched Entry