I am sorry.

I’ve thought about the circumstances surrounding that day. That day happens to draw a line between my peaceful state of being and the agony that bombards my mind. I was under the impression that this was for the better, but all I can think about is the memories he has left behind. I feel as though as they are all torturing me, one by one, as they replay in my mind. To my dismay, the most painful moment he allowed to remain is the day he walked away. I couldn’t come to grips that it was happening. I never thought he would leave. Even though I tried to convince myself that it was my fault and this is the consequence that must be paid, I did not deserve this. I deserve an explanation — a clear, precise explanation.

I always contemplate the idea of what would happen if I did not do this or that. I blame myself for him leaving. I have a tendency to push people away and then get angry at them for leaving. For every action, there is a reaction. I assume that I completely understand what is meant by this quote. Still, I did not deserve this. He played a part in this too. As handsome and smart and talented as he was his shyness and introversion really aggravated me. I wanted him to open up. I shared everything with him; my thoughts, what I felt and more. I trusted him. I was only hoping for him to do the same and I was disappointed. I believe that my incapability to accept that this is who he is drove that wedge between us.

And I am sorry. So sorry. I wished that I was patient with him and allowed him to breathe. I wished that if I did, he would have opened up. Instead, I created arguments. Arguments that felt like they lasted forever. We went to sleep knowing things were not right between us and woke up acting as if they didn’t exist. Until…we were back at it again. I knew he would grow weary of it but I didn’t expect him to leave. I thought it would all go away eventually if he would just share himself with me.

That day replays in my mind every single opportunity it gets and I am left shattered. I push myself to forget but it has its grips on me. I believe it does to remind me of my impatience. To remind me that I must be considerate of the significant other and all that is brought along with him. Some days, I can’t seem to forgive myself.

I long for him each day. I dream of the day he returns.

I need to be real with myself: he isn’t coming back. This is only a phase and I will get through it. It won’t be easy. I know I have to fight through the days of not hearing or seeing him but I’ll get there. I believe in situations arising to prepare you for what is to come so I guess this is mine.

I pray that I don’t make the same mistake twice.

Jada
Pitched Entry