A Toast To A Lost Vision

January 19th, 2014 Taking a look at the past months, I’d say that the term ‘change’ might as well have adopted me. Provided that’s not something that’s possible, I know that I’m not the only one who has ever felt that way.

Before this wave hit me, I was out of the country having the most amazing spiritual and emotional experience. I was travelling, meeting new people and really feeling my independence. And then I came home to the states, and found out that the spa I was working at closed down. This adventurous woman who was brave and independent had shrunk into this little girl who became dependent. I started to isolate myself from my friends and felt that everything was against me. I dreamt about leaving and going back to the country I had been traveling in – but deep down I knew that I just wanted to escape. I thought that by leaving all my problems and worries would go away.

These past few months, in retrospect, have not only been socially challenging – but also emotionally. And if my Pisces ass doesn’t get emotional enough, I’d like to get a little dramatic and say I’ve been channeling every color in that vibrant, emotional rainbow. To be honest, I’ve been depressed – and as redundant as it seems, it just won’t go away. It’s natural, sure. Everyone goes through it – yes. But why is it always an easy thing to tolerate when you’re not the actual person going through it?

And how many fake smiles can someone show before they eventually crack?

I enjoy feeling sad… I like to cry… it cleanses the soul – so they say. It’s nice to go through phases where you feel like you’re getting in touch with your ‘dark’ side. But after a while, you kind of just want to be over it. You know? As if in a second everything will be all fine and dandy, but that’s not the way it works. And why is it that that’s the only time to be in touch with that ‘dark’ side? It’s good to embrace yourself and every annoyingly real feeling you encounter, but seeing it as something that will eventually leave will only invite it back again.

In these past months, I feel like I’ve been going down a hole. Willingly, and instinctively crawling down, further and further. Only to really be going down deeper into myself.

I felt like I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew my strengths and weaknesses, but almost everything I thought I knew about myself – or I thought I had planned, broke. And you know what? I’m okay with that. Now (I surely wasn’t before). In fact, I was a freaking train wreck in the past about it. But now I’m seeing that silver lining — each time I descend I’m embarking on a passage. I’m claiming my truth and seeing new wisdom. And each time, I’m discovering again and again, a new meaning to my life.

Yea, I might have lost one vision for myself – but more (better ones) will come. So, here’s a toast to a lost vision!

And cheers for the next to come.

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Tal is a Makeup Artist and Skin Therapist who enjoys the pleasures of sunflowers and tea. She likes to consider the world her home and is always trying to read too many books at the same time. Twitter