I’m sitting here in my wooden boat,
In the middle of this ocean – alone.
Writing this letter in case no one finds me.
I just never thought I could change.
Like change into the person I never wanted to be.
Never believed in the angry black woman,
but became the scarred black woman.
I’ve had break ups in the past and they all ended after
I woke up, opened my eyes, and realized that it wasn’t for me.
I gave chances, I always said I wouldn’t give,
and I allowed myself to be #1,
but not to always be the only one.
I put up with their lies and I accepted all of their apologies,
but now I’m at a point where I’ve been broken.
So much to the point that I’ve moved onto a new relationship,
but I’m not who I have the potential of being.
I’m a little shy, and scared to be judged.
I’m a little less giving, and scared to be robbed.
And I’m a little reserved, and afraid to speak my mind.
I don’t want to be this way.
In fact, I just want to be the girl I used to be.
While I’m trying to focus on my new relationship,
My ex keeps making it a point to let me know that he misses me
and he keeps telling me that he’s sorry.
But when I catch myself wanting to cry and I ask myself why,
I realize, I only want to cry because he’s late and he missed out on the girl
I spent so long trying to prove to him that I could be.
And now the girl he once knew, who fought with every bone in her body
to not let him drown, has drowned as a result of being too weak after the fight,
to even keep herself above water.
Now I’ve been in this body of water for over a year,
by myself, pacing the streams,
on a search for me.
I spent so much time putting my energy into making sure that he survived,
that I let myself drown.
I miss the ex me.
I just hope that when I find her,
if I find her,
she’s able to
just breathe.