“You are a cocooned butterfly with aspirations to fly so fly. Happy Birthday.” –AL
So I got the previous quote as my gift in a Twitter DM message on my birthday. I had asked days before my 20th bday for a poem from… a friend of mine? Yeah, we’ll call him that because it’s complicated. It’s actually not complicated now that I think about it. My birthday was over spring break and the only way I cared to celebrate was with him writing me a poem that I suggested didn’t even have to be specific to me. But I admit I wanted him to put some thought in to it and think deep about me. I just wanted him to reveal a rare part himself and yes his feelings specifically, so I asked the only way I knew how.

Poetry. He puts everything into his poems all the things he dares to not let me see. I remembered he had written one before that he swore wasn’t about me but he might as well have put my name on it because we were the only one to experience those events and he thought he knew me. For some insight into his heart, a clue to his soul, a poem, simply something to read, was all I asked trying to make it seem like nothing was up my sleeve. He was a little salty with me before the break but it didn’t matter what he did or didn’t feel about me, if I didn’t get acknowledgement on this day that meant absolutely nothing to me; I was going to freak. He did it. He actually honored my wishes despite the tragic mess that is me. All I could do is beam and re-read it because over the break that lasted a whole week, that was the only thing he said to me.

Looking deep into two sentences, thirteen words, beautiful imagery, I concluded what I knew all along, he didn’t care about me. He satisfies me in the simplest form, giving me just a taste or glimpse of what I need before he kicks me out of heaven a.k.a his frigid dorm whereas minutes before I was feeling like he could belong to me. The way that he pleases me, never sex, though I’m still trying to figure out from a previous scene was I really moaning or maybe it was just a struggle to breathe. He doesn’t want that responsibility, you know of being a girl’s first. Oh sorry, I didn’t mention I’m a twenty year-old virgin. He makes that point so clear and I’m good on that too because I don’t want those responsibilities. I’m thinking as far as unplanned parenthood and the baby daddy drama that just isn’t me. He doesn’t want an emotional attachment, having told me before there was any “us” he could have sex with a girl and no feelings would conclude. That maybe should’ve been my warning. I don’t know. You may now be thinking he’s that type of dude but no he’s not. True…he’s an asshole and selfish, disrespectful even, but he’s not that dude.

He was my first everything, at 19 years-old, first male kiss on the lips and all. Sad I know. He gave me my first forms of affection and intimacy, intercourse, again NO sex. I started dealing with him out the blue and it all went left. I had just recently opened up to social interaction with females and I figured males were next. I felt an immediate attraction when I first touched his skin as we innocently sat sharing a chair while we were hanging with some friends. That feeling maybe because he was the only male I had ever felt. No, this is coming out all so wrong. I’m not sheltered, I’m from the hood, I’ve been around dudes, I’ve just never felt. I’ve never allowed myself to be felt. Never felt anything in my heart for a moment that I thought could be a success and where I could possibly get a return on whatever I invest. I wanted to prove in some way to him and myself that I was capable of a relationship on whatever level and he was my test. I’ve failed so bad, we’re polar opposites, we argue, we’ll technically he doesn’t argue back so it’s just me alone in protest. There’s no love, no friendship. He knows I have potential and I know I have the world to give to a man who can deal with my mess.

I’m scared he doesn’t realize. He’s guides me through most of the process, off with the shirt, shoes, pants, panties and umm…yeah he’s that dude. I only want to be good to him. I devote myself to proving I can be a woman and express myself, a women who can have relationships as wonderful as others do. He doesn’t understand that a previous experience has left me with this wound so deep that me ruining whatever we have is inevitable in the nature of how we deal. I’m not confused…well, maybe not as much as him. My yes’s mean no, and my no’s yes. That’s true but I’m a cocooned butterfly he has to remember. He knows that beauty will ensue if I can just get there. If he could prove that he was true, his intentions with me are in the purest form then I would choose his love and stop being an ass myself. I will not have to complain about him not taking me serious meanwhile I’m laughing my way through all the seriousness of the situation. He won’t have to cut me off and I won’t have to regroup only to present the same person to him, expecting him to accept a spoof. Hold up though by no means is he without fault too. I’m a butterfly and he’s afraid to say I’m beautiful because I’m so crazy. I’m sure crazy beautiful exists too. I want his patience and understanding but he won’t compromise and give a little room on his high hopes and standards. He has unreasonable roles that I can’t assume. He’s a know it all and he knows it too. He’s too judgmental and all I want is his warm body forget the other pressure he puts on me and the stuff he takes me through.

It takes time to break out of this cocoon and with all the dangers on the outside waiting for me…I’m not sure what I’ll do. Stay cocooned? Keep my heart protected, I mean he’s one of the few to have taught me about love. All his lessons so stressing and when I get confused to whom do I ask questions because I’m only trusting this man that’s so mean and wise all at the same damn time. He gives me honesty; I keep it between him and me. Our cocoon, he’s sharing the space with me which is kind of why I don’t want to leave. I absorb his sunlight and reflect the colors of the wings the world will one day see as I become a lady. When he’s dark and acting shady though I feel there’s no hope for me. I don’t want to be with anybody, I’ll be single forever I’m proclaiming at only twenty. I’ve been told by him that I know what I want and I should stop acting like I don’t want it. As a result I let him do whatever; he gave me some good experiences for a while. I’m talking passion, pain and pleasure. It’s become toxic though and more physical than I ever wanted. When commanded to open and let him in, I say no because I don’t trust my wings. He can go chase all the brave butterflies that are already free but when they are preserved and their wings pinned to a viewing board it’ll be too late for him to look for me. He has me now and if he’s willing to wait and see then he’ll witness my red and golden yellow beauty, who knows I could be his queen B.

Sequonia
Pitched Entry