I chose to discuss this topic after years of my personal friendship tribulations throughout my life as an adult. Ironically enough, I have only been a young adult but for so many years, so as you can pretty much guess, the problems started from early on. I think it’s safe to say that for most of us, recycling friends is pretty much a staple of our young adulthood, the result of which are things that are either in our control or not. From failed attempts to hold onto high school friends following our senior year, to forfeiting some of our colleagues following graduation- some of these relationships end through time but for the most part, are amicable.

Then there are those vicious fall outs that stem from shadiness. People who started out as innocent children that blossom into the ill-willed adult that they will most likely be for at least a good portion of their womanhood or manhood. Even if they were to redeem themselves later in life, by that point, most of the damage is done and they will have destroyed most, if not all, of their past relationships, leaving them to find a new life and form new camaraderie at 40.

For myself, I’ve had the misfortune of losing friends. I stress the “fortune” part because in the beginning it offended me to a point of painful angst but ultimately made me relieved upon realizing the potential poison of those broken bonds. With some people, I was literally friends with one day and then the next, not. With little to no explanation at that. Friends whom I’ve lent money to without hesitation, women whom I’ve offered advice to, left dates for in order to provide emotional support and whose children I’ve grown close to, ultimately dropped out of my life. Friends whose hands I held while they made life altering decisions that went against my own morale turned their backs on me shortly after my support. Women whose boyfriends would thank me for speaking to them positively versus being that of the “negative Nancy” who always tells her home girl to “leave him”, were now looking at me differently as though I posed a threat to their relationships. I have unfortunately assisted in the grieving process of two lost boyfriends to two of my closest friends who would later end up betraying me the most (even though neither one have no relation to the other). I kept secrets between friends that they never shared with one another because everyone knows that secrets start and end with me. All of this just to have all those hands I’ve held eventually release their grip from mines and later slap me in the face (figuratively of course).

I think the biggest eye opener that showed me that anyone is capable of almost anything came when I was just 20 years old. I was providing comfort to a coworker-turned-close-acquaintance of mine whose boyfriend had just been murdered. This young lady and I were pretty close, despite some oddities behind her in which my longtime friend said she could not quite place a finger on. Any who, I had been bringing food to her house without question, attending church with her, stopping by her place for chats and making sure to make myself appear more than available to her. I had attended the wake and as for the funeral, had not been able to go due to a conflicting work schedule, however I did stay posted through a couple of mutual friends who went out to support her that day. At the time, I had a boyfriend who seemed uncomfortable at the mention of her name. Come to find out later on, before the death of this young lady’s boyfriend and even afterwards, she had been making explicit advances and requests to have an affair with my man. And after me and this guy broke up (for other reasons) and I refused to reconcile with him, he went forward with the affair out of spite, knowing I’d eventually find out through our own shared group of friends.

Needless to say, the whole situation disgusted me. After straightening this man out, I approached the girl separately. I assured her that I was approaching her as a disappointed and angered friend, not a bitter-ex girlfriend wanting to “fight for her man”. I wanted her to know that I didn’t want this to get physical so that she wouldn’t confuse my anger for what it really was- which was fury regarding our friendship which was now lost by way of her betrayal. However, I was very bothered that my usual “high road” speech to her was being confused for a reconcile. If there are two things people should know about me is: 1. Do not take my kindness for weakness and 2. Do not take my patience for tolerance. Long story short, she did both. I ordered that she not speak to me when we see each other because there was no confusion on my end that I was through with her as a person. She insisted that she would speak to me regardless because she found that ignoring each other in the company of shared friends was stupid and wanted nothing more than to be cool for the sake of keeping our circle copacetic. I attempted to reassure her again that I could care less about the politics surrounding a “friendship club” and that this was not the “Yaya Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” or whatever you so call those *movies. This was real life and I no longer wanted to speak to her and her casual disregard for my request meant she was undermining my feelings towards what was truthfully a painful and humiliating situation. I warned her that if she did not respect the idea of ignoring me that I would have absolutely no problems kicking her ass the next time I saw her…

Needless to say, 8 months later, I kicked her ass and I waved a handful of 18 inch hair in my hand as a victory flag while leaving her with what was now a ponytail the size of a thumb. Am I proud of this situation? Not at all. But I’d be lying if I said I cared enough to regret it. I was numb about it then and I’m numb now. As I’ve said before, I do not condone fighting, but I do promote self-defense and I was defending my pride, which felt honorable at the moment. Please do not judge me for being open with you all about my flaws. And if you do, well hey, you’re free to do so. I will say this though- that was not my last incident of a nasty breakup between friends and many more followed. None of them were physical but many were equally hurtful in their own way, if not more. I learned a few things that I would like to share with you all before closing out.

1. Being Nice Does Not Automatically Draw Nice People To You – I used to think that the idea of Karma applied to friendships and relationships. That what I put into a situation was what I would ultimately get out of it. I figured that if I did my job as a good friend, a good woman and just overall, a good person- that naturally, bad people would detract from that and instead, grateful and kind people would find themselves to me. I assumed that a positive spirit was the most obvious way to ward off all evil. But I was wrong. Be aware that opposites attract and that in reality, those with ill-intentions will readily find themselves flocking towards you. This means that being nice is one thing, but you must reassure people through your actions that you are also very keen to their ways. This of course will not stop people from trying to harm you but it will make them think twice about pulling one over on you, as well as minimize your chances of headache and heartache.

2. Most Of Your Better Friendships Will Come As You Grow Older – Do not think you owe anything to anyone just because of the time invested into them. This means that not even a childhood friend gets a “pass” at being 86’d depending on the severity of the situation. Do they get a chance at being reviewed again for a friendship renewal? Yes. But ultimately, if they are not for you, do not lie to yourself. Same goes with relationships. Remember, not all investments made are good ones. If that was the case, we’d all be rich. Stop crediting friendships and redemption to “time” knowing a person. If anything, people grow out of each other. When you are a young adult, that’s when you truly become the person you will most likely be for the rest of your life. This means, you will most likely find “long-term” friends amongst the sea of adults who have things in common with you- including loyalty, humility and trustworthiness. Many of my friends now that I plan to remain friends with are women and men I met later in life, who share similar backgrounds, goals, and stories such as myself.

3. Not Every Ex-Friend Has An Explanation For You – What bothered me most at times was not having people explain to me our ultimate demise. Just know that most people don’t even know why they are no longer your friends. This can often be the result of some underlying feeling that even they are choosing not to acknowledge themselves. There were friends I lost when I moved to New York and I had not a clue. I do recall them asking me why I was moving versus actually offering me up their support and well wishes. It was odd making my first visit to Florida knowing I had less people to link up with, but it was also very refreshing since I had the chance to maximize my time with those friends and family members who were genuinely interested in knowing about my time spent in NY so far.

4. Many of Your Friendships Will Get Worse As You Get Better – It’s true! People do not like what they do not understand and they despise what they can not do. “Doing you” is something that should be different for everyone, but some don’t quite get that. When you start branching out towards what it ultimately a successful step int he right direction of your career, life, etc- some friends will (unknowingly) dislike it and it will bring them a form of discomfort disguised in all types masks. Some friends will feel left behind, even if in reality, that is not your intentions at all. They may start acting different when you call or even worse, pretend to be “fake-busy” and avoid seeing you until you ultimately get the hint. Remember to not ever take offense to any of this!

Friendships. Friend. Ships. Last time I checked, ships do wreck. So never take offense to the demise of what was probably a weak boat anyway. This just means there is more room in your dock to “park” a yacht!

SOJO

*editors note: the author of this post (me) is aware that “Yaya Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” is in fact not a real movie, but rather, a sarcastic culmination of two separate films.