Eliminating The Problem That Is Me
Mental illness is not something the black community speaks of in public or in private. We do not talk about the crippling effects associated with mental breakdowns. I presume we are scared that people will really think we are actually “crazy” or our pride tells us we do not need help (and all we need to do is seek GOD and or pray). I (like many others) found out the hard way that the effects of mental and emotional breakdowns go unnoticed or undiscussed until it happens to you.
At the beginning of the year I had a mental break down and physical heartbreak. I found myself broken because I could no longer control my life circumstances. I had a job as a hostess and my past experience did not reflect the future I had always imagined. The man I had fallen deeply in love with found a new woman to give his love to. A girl I once called my “best-friend” was no longer adequate enough to be my friend. I felt a friend who I once called “brother” betray me and I decided to let him go. Then one January night I left someone’s house, walked deep into the night, to resolve or for lack of better words “eliminate” what I assumed to be the problem: me.
And this is for Colored girls who have considered suicide, but are moving to the ends of their own rainbows.”
I had a mental breakdown. I lost my mind. I cried into the night, yelling because (the demons tied to my soul) had finally taken over me. So, one night I found myself in downtown Atlanta, alone in my car, emotionally shattered and ready to take my life. To give my soul peace. I have never felt so alone and empty. My mind had finally collapsed and I had nothing left. I passed out in the back seat of my car, woken up by a bum, who knocked on the window to ask me if I was alive. The irony that someone who lives on the street would be my savior….
As I find myself in repair, I look back at the destruction I created without taking my life. I have destroyed relationships that could have been lifelong. I have been left to figure out life and how I should pick up my broken pieces and put them back together. Mental illness is a silent killer and it can have a lifelong effect on your life. It’s time we take control of it before it takes control of us.
April 6, 2014
This is really beautiful, and I’m really thankful that you said this because I feel this way a lot and I don’t know who to talk to about it with. Mental illness is really scary to go through and especially to talk about, but I’m so thankful that you shared this!
April 7, 2014
Glad you’re here to tell your story. You don’t know who you could of helped when they read this. We always think we are aone in this world when everything seems to fall around us. We need to not be scared to seek help for ourselves, no need to suffer in silence.
April 8, 2014
Completely agreed. We shouldn’t be afraid to seek help from professionals or friends either. Lovely post. Thank you for still being here.
April 9, 2014
Thank you everyone. I was ashamed but the truth has literally set me free.
April 16, 2014
Glad you were brave enough to post this. Mental health is a serious thing that many people overlook out of a fear of being labeled, esp within the black community. Therapy is what you make of it, its simply a space to talk about your life. but I’m glad you shared this part of yourself here. I hope it touched others.