How many of you have ever been with someone you thought you could never see your life without? If you’ve ever been that girl, I want to share a very personal story of mine. This is the story of how I learned that the person I thought was the man of my dreams became my worst nightmare.

I knew this guy through family. Once I was older, specifically 17-years old, our paths crossed during an annual ice-skating trip I went on with my cousins and brothers. I’ve always been the only girl in the group so they were very overprotective of me. I was finally at the age where I was looking at boys and they would cringe whenever I pointed one out. This guy was invited into our circle for the outing, and to this day I wonder if he had never gone out with us that night how things would have turned out for me in the long run. He approached me when we were on the rink and held my hand because he didn’t want me to fall. He was five years older than I was and I admit that I loved the attention he was giving me. I remember us talking as we skated and he told me he had a friend who had seen pictures of me and wanted to know if I was single.

It wasn’t until months later he confessed he was that friend. The more we laughed that night, the more I realized I wanted to keep him around. I can’t say I remember how we ended up together…it kind of just happened. We used to talk every single night even though we barely saw each other. He had this whole idea that we should keep what had turned into a relationship, on the down low. He said the less people knew our business, the better. Being that he was older and this was what at that point I considered my first real relationship, I agreed.

My parents found out and were not supportive of us at all. I fought so hard for them to like him. They already knew who he was based on the mutual family friends we shared. I would make it a point to have him come to family gatherings and social events, just so they could see that he wanted this too. It was like pulling teeth on both ends, getting the “OK” from my parents to have him come, and then getting him to actually agree. This happened for a few months up until it was time to start getting ready for my senior prom. I thought it was only natural that he would want to go as my date since he was my boyfriend. As I look back on it now I should’ve just told him to keep his ass home. My parents were also against him being my date, but again I fought for it. I’ll spare you the details on actually getting him there, but he did end up as my prom date. A few months later I was getting ready to leave for college. Things were looking pretty good between us as I now felt like an adult and for whatever reason better equipped to deal with the mess that had become our relationship. I fought so hard to make this work. Our chemistry seemed so amazing that I swore I’d never find another love like this. Once I had settled in to my dorm room and he came to visit a few times, we finally did it. Yup, I thought he would be the perfect man to lose my virginity with because we were obviously going to be together forever. I don’t regret the decision to do this with him, since the experience he gave me was so amazing.

For the next three years we played a lot of games, games that I no longer wish to play with anyone as an adult. We were off and on. During our breaks I was falling for someone I went to school with, but denied myself the opportunity to really love, because again, I was supposed to be with this other guy forever. I found myself dating during our breaks. I’d say it was over and vowed to never let him hurt me again. From episodes of alleged cheating, to arguments that we didn’t see each other enough, it was just beginning to be too much to handle. People would ask for my nonexistent boyfriend who I was always referring to. I refused to tell people we were no longer together because I just knew this man was going to be my husband, so I didn’t want anyone bad mouthing him. He used to tell me how much he loved me and I fell for it every time. He expressed that his love for me was so strong it was causing him to act so stupid. We would talk about what we would name our kids, where we would live, and the roles and responsibilities we would have in our future home. He sold me a dream, and I bought it.

Let’s fast forward to the very last year of our relationship when I really called it quits.

I had just been through enough–or so I thought. The summer that followed our break up, we found ourselves talking again and I got so caught up that I invited him over for lunch or something like that. We of course ended up having sex and never speaking to each other again. I was on vacation a few weeks later when I found myself feeling funny. I was sick the whole time and just knew something was wrong. I was trying to call him several times during my vacation. (Let’s keep in mind I was calling him directly from my cell phone while I was on an island.) I also tried e-mailing him and realized that he was blatantly ignoring me. He had gotten pretty good at that. Finally, when I got back to the States, I did what I knew I had to do. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I’ve always said that no matter when I got pregnant I would keep the baby, so I knew what I had to do. I didn’t need him to help me, but I figured he should know. When I got in touch with him about two weeks later and said we needed to talk, the first thing he said was, “Don’t tell me you’re pregnant!” When I told him I was, he assumed that I would obviously “get rid of it” because otherwise I’d be “ruining his life.” I remember calmly explaining to him that I was not going to have an abortion and would go through with the pregnancy and raising my child alone if necessary. He called me all types of names and said that I wasn’t being responsible.

I went through this silent struggle while no one around me knew what was going on. I confided my secret with two people, but they never knew the details as far as how much I was going through emotionally. For the next few weeks I’d touch my belly and smile. It was an unfortunate series of events that led me to something so amazing. I was glowing, my skin and hair were just the most beautiful they had ever been. Despite the father of my child wanting me to get rid of it, I was excited for what was to come. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t an easy pregnancy. I was sick often and having to hide it wasn’t making it any easier. I didn’t care to hear from this man, but it would upset me that the only times he would call me was to see if I had taken care of the issue. He would also call to give me home remedies on how to naturally miscarry. After each of my conversations with him, I’d rub my belly and say “I love you even if your daddy doesn’t.” I had a plan and I knew that even though my parents would be upset with me, they would support my decision.

About a week before I was getting ready to make the big announcement to my family, it happened. I was at work, which at the time consisted of babysitting two little boys. I was sitting on the floor resting while the boys slept. The youngest boy woke up and excitedly ran to me with a sippy cup in hand, running full force right into my stomach. As I managed to crawl to the bathroom with my hand on my stomach, I had the most excruciating abdominal pain ever. I felt what I can only describe as a bubble erupting and I already knew. I cried as I called the boys’ mother to come home because I wasn’t feeling well and drove myself to the hospital as soon as I left. I prayed as I drove even though I knew what the outcome was going to be. The doctors at the hospital performed the ultrasound only to say the baby had no heartbeat. This meant my baby was gone. I tried to protect this life from a father who wanted nothing to do with it, but I failed my first task as someone’s mother. I was given some medication and went home straight to sleep. My mom knew something was wrong but she didn’t question me, and for that I will always be thankful. My parents let their kids talk when they’re ready, they don’t force us to do or say anything until then.

Initially I didn’t want to tell this man anything. When he finally did call, about two days after the incident, reminding me that I didn’t have much time to make a “smart” decision, I told him. “That’s it, you won.” He didn’t understand what I meant until I said, “I had a miscarriage a few days ago. I don’t want to talk to you. Please don’t call me again.” I was so offended when he happily responded, “really?!” I remember a single tear falling down my cheek as I hung up the phone. For the rest of the summer, I lost my glow and my happy spirit was gone. As the months passed I would only think about how far along I would be, and on what would’ve been my due date, I cried to myself. I sang “happy birthday” to a child I never met but loved so very much. It took some time for me to actually get over this pain. He would call me and I was still so emotionally caught up that I would answer even if it was just to give him a nasty attitude.

A few years had passed when I found out he was expecting a child with the girl who he was in a relationship with at the time he got me pregnant. Yea, I know. To my understanding she was about five months along with a boy when she also miscarried. My heart hurt for her when I heard the news because I already knew what that loss felt like. A few weeks after this happened he reached out to me and simply said “I’m sorry.” I knew what the apology was for and where it was coming from, but I needed him to say it. I responded, “What are you apologizing for?” He sighed because he knew me well enough to know that I was expecting an answer. “I’m sorry for how I treated you during that whole situation. I was being ignorant and I truly apologize.” I explained to him that I had forgiven him long before he gave me the apology, but I appreciated the fact that he acknowledged he was wrong.

To this day I sit and wonder what I was thinking assuming from the very beginning that this was going to be the man in my life. He really showed me who he was, and this was not the kind of man I could be happy with. It was a long, unnecessarily necessary cycle of events that I had to go through in order to break the spell I was under. I still truly believe that this made me grow up sooner, and thank him for opening my eyes wide enough to see that there was life beyond him. I will never forget about the life I once carried inside of me and now know that I did all that I could to give it a beautiful two months of love in my womb. I just recently started telling a few people about what I went through, and the fact that I did it all on my own. In retrospect it may not have been the sanest thing to do, but it showed me just how strong I really am. I survived an immense heartache and the loss of two great loves of my life, but I’m still here waiting to love again.

Sasha
Pitched Entry

image source: Ashley Moore for Wild Fox