Which one of my past relationships should I discuss? The one where I learned to have self-respect? The one where I was in a love triangle? Or the relationship where I discovered love and heartbreak? I guess I will be talking about all three because this one relationship was the best and worst all in one. Lawd! But I left and left at a time where the love was still heavy on my heart.

“There’s something to be said about a woman who can walk away from a man with her heart. Admirable.” – Alex Elle

We were freshmen in college. I didn’t expect to love him, dang I didn’t think I would like him. Leave it to me to spit out gangsta rap lyrics around campus and blast my laptop speakers to find a guy who actually likes his women a little rough around the edges. He fell in love that day we were all in the lounge and I rapped word for word to the degrading but highly catchy “Suck it or Not” by Cam’Ron. Weeks later, I found myself in his room just hanging out (I swear) watching movies and cracking jokes. It was all good until the day he kissed me and I backed away — more like walked out the door. Between then and the next time we kissed I honestly can’t tell you how we got into a “situationship”? But we got there.

*cues Lovers and Friends by Usher*

He was my lover and best friend. We literally spent every waking moment with one another, my favorites being the cuddling sessions we had when I was sick.

*snaps out of that memory*

It was all good until that young lady crept her way into our relationship. This is where I felt the beauty of love followed by the pain of love.

That relationship took EVERYTHING out of me…that is when it turned into a love triangle. He loved me, I loved him, she loved him and he claimed I was just his friend. Y’all, that boy was so naive he thought they were friends! HA! HA!

Y’all know I stayed right? I stayed because I knew that he loved me or said he did. He told everyone’s parents we will be married, which meant I could stick it out until he got her out of his system. I stuck it out and boy was I embarrassed, but I was ok with it because I loved him! The constant pictures I saw of them all over my social networks kissing was not a slap but more like a punch in the nose. That mother f’r or those mother f’r!!! Shoot, my heart! F- you heart for loving that boy! Pardon my French. I gave that boy chances other guys would wish they had and he took them for granted until I walked my ass right out of his life.

Thank you to my big sister for the Talk, a shoulder to cry on and that Sex and the City DVD collection. Thank you to my big brother who let me smear all my makeup on his white polo and made jokes on his behalf to make me feel better. And most of all thank you to my best friends who sat there with me that night, three years ago to THIS DATE to be exact at 3am listening to me cry my little heart out. Without all of them, I would not have realized I was, as we say in New York, WYLIN (bugging out)!!

Hey, self respect, nice to meet you!

My first love and first real relationship still haunts me. I still can’t let go of the pain. Those good times? I still chase and hope to have them in new relationships. This damn boy has me comparing all his good qualities to these new guys. Just f’ing stuff up because of course they lack these qualities.That damn relationship won’t let me open up completely to anyone now.

It’s his birthday. But I ain’t texting that boy.

This is me leaving this ish in the past.

Liandra

image source: Prada The Iconoclasts 2014 – Malaika Firth by Emma Summerton