I am a girl who wants more. I want happiness. I want joy. I want love. I want success. I want more than the bare minimum. I don’t want to live my entire life wishing I did more to make the present moment more than what it is.
I’m constantly in limbo. I don’t know what I want to do and it’s making me realize, I don’t know who I am right now or who I want to be. Why is life so complicated? Why am I so complicated?
I cannot work a 9 to 5 or in my case an 8:30 to 5 with a 30-minute lunch break for the rest of my life. This Sh!t burns me up! I drive to work with a lump in my throat and heat coursing through my body. I’m pissed, and what makes my fury so strong is that I’m angry with myself. I did this. My life is a stream of choices that have lead me to this point. Somewhere I got complacent and said, “If I can just buy a new car”, “If I could just get a good job”, “If I could just make a little more”. Now I’m realizing it was those thoughts and those internal statements that got me here. Wanting to have what a system I don’t even believe in says I should. Caring more about pleasing other’s expectations rather than my own.
When did I become a girl who is okay with just the bare minimum? Who is okay with good? Who thinks great is unattainable? A girl who actually has the nerve to be proud of a little above average? I’m trying to figure out when I let life tell me this was good enough. That this was my course and my dreams weren’t practical enough.
F!?k the odds, I will beat them! I’m angry I started thinking about the statistics and researching success rates instead of just doing what I believed in and being me.
I am sitting around mad at others with the things I want, like we all don’t have the same twenty four hours. Mad about not succeeding in something I didn’t even have the courage to pure. Upset because I once was fearless and now I’m very afraid.
I’m watching the clock, wishing for it to stop so I can catch up with my destiny. The real me. The Courtney who colored and chopped off her hair without a second thought because she felt like it!
Who is this girl that debates herself in the mirror?
The girl sitting in her cube, instead of in an office at Vogue or the comforts of her home, her creative words solely provided.
I think this cube may have saved my life, because if this pale grey didn’t shake me to my core or nauseate me beyond belief I would be comfortable enough and complacent enough to stay here forever.
But I can’t. And I won’t.
_
Courtney Akinosho
Blog // Twitter // Youtube // FAWF posts by Courtney Akinoso
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March 23, 2014
We are all at some point in limbo waiting for our next big move. I also believe that our actions while in limbo dictate whether we continue towards our goals or not. Desire and recognizing a need for something different is the beginning. Now I need a master plan so I won’t fall or fall too hard maneuvering under the constraints. I love the thoughts and images that your post evoke in me.
March 24, 2014
ibyl- Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! You are so right, realizing, then setting goals to get where you want and need to be are key! We got this girl! :)
April 12, 2014
I totally understand how you are feeling, Courtney. I quit my job back in December but before then, I was SICK of being in limbo. It took some years but I finally broke free. And although these last few months have been unsure, I’m confident that my future will be bright. Make those small steps towards your future. You’ve got this.
May 19, 2014
LUCY,
Girl Thank you! WE BOTH GOT THIS! :) We’ve all had these periods in our lives in the past & I’m sure we’ll have them again at some point! As long as we don’t stay there too long and never lose the drive to change and become better we’ll be fine.
I hope everything continues to move upward for you, Keep me posted ! :)