The Best Gift

Over a year ago, I saved a picture Beyonce posted on Instagram. I was fresh off a break up and the words hit me like a ton of bricks. In her curvy, seemingly hastily written script, she wrote:

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”

There I sat, phone in hand, teary-eyed, looking around the inside of the box of darkness that I had fallen in. An all encompassing darkness he had given me. A box so big and so dark I had no way to see around, through, above, or beneath it.

I’ll let him remain anonymous. We’ve both moved forward.

The relationship was quick, it was slow, it was exhilarating, it was devastating. I’d never experienced so many emotions at one time. He was handsome, he was brilliant, he was sweet, he was funny, he was kind. He was a liar. He was a coward. He was cruel. I was in love. The mix of emotions took over my mind, body, and soul in the worst way. I was his. He was mine. He wasn’t mine. He was hers.

I questioned myself. My worth. My looks. My personality. My body. My mind. My heart. I questioned all of me. Why not me? What was wrong with me? I was spiraling, I could feel it. I was finding a home in the box of darkness, making myself comfortable with no plans of leaving.

I did not love myself. I thought I did, I thought I had it all together, I didn’t. He destroyed me. I’d been bottling up my own hurt, shrugging things off because I had to be strong for those around me. I was full of darkness, so when he broke me, all of my darkness poured out and I was left to sort through it. It was this realization that sparked a flame in me, which shed a flicker of light in my dark home like a  lantern in a cave.

I sought God.

In seeking God, I sought myself. In trusting God, I began to trust myself. In building my love for God, I began to build love for myself. God Love is Divine and Unconditional and Fearless. It has no expectations, only Freedom. God’s Love is Kindness, Wisdom, and Truth. God’s Love is Light. God’s Love is Life.

Once you know God’s Love, you’ll be free.

Over the year I’d re-read that message and look up and notice that while I was no longer in the box, it was still there and it was still dark. I’d yet to find the gift in the box of darkness. I actually didn’t recognize the gift it was until last night. Thank God for revelation.

Here I am over a year later. Loving and Living in Light. I now see that that box of darkness was indeed a gift. It was a mirror, it showed me my insides. It made me learn Self-Love. Without Self-Love I would not know Unconditional Love. I would continue to be ignorant of what Love truly is. I would continue to fall for pseudo-love, emotions that give feels like Love but is not pure Love. That box of darkness gave me the gift of a life of Freedom.

Thanks to this priceless gift, I am able to be completely open. I am now free of past hurt. I am able to radiate Light that illuminates all darkness I encounter. I am able to Love freely, with no fear and no expectation, I am able to vibrate at the highest frequency and I am able to share my story. A story of darkness turned Light. A story of Love, a story of New Life.

Liv