I got this Emily King on repeat. Wine on the nightstand. It’s been awhile since me and Sad met up, but we’re having a reunion tonight. I’m telling myself I’m going to push through. I’m going to create…er… do the thing I keep telling other people I’m good at and want to do for a living, but that I’m not actually so sure I can do. Damn it. There’s that doubt again.

Let’s visit the things I do know. I know I’m smart, I pick up things quicker than most people, and I have a good head on my shoulders. Cool. I know I stick out in a crowd…which can be a good and/or great and/or crappy thing. I know that I’m completely broke right now, and it’s making me feel like absolute crap. What am I, a person who prides myself on being able to take care of myself, supposed to do when I can’t really take care of myself like I want to anymore? It feels like a clusterfuck of sadness and embarrassment and regretfulness. Why and how did I let it get here? If I’m being honest, part of me wanted it to get to this point—my own personal basement. I wanted to see how low things could go before I pulled out of it….or before something happened to pull me out of it. That in itself is kind of messed up, really.

That’s not to say that I don’t have faith, or that I don’t believe that a higher being is guiding this whole life thing. Because I do, and that faith makes me feel good. But like anyone I wonder about the grand scheme of things, and I’m terrified that I won’t figure it all out before I chuck up my last deuces. And when I start thinking about that I’ve already started thinking too much, and my head’s out the game, and I end up feeling scared and on the verge of tears and questioning every decision I’m making. And well, you know, that sucks.

I think I’m at a point where I have to let life deal me a few blows. But while it’s kicking my butt I’m thinking in the back of my mind how I’m going to bounce back. So this is partly my pity party memo, but it’s more of a get your stuff together manifesto. I’m really trying to do just that.

I don’t love this space I’m in, but I’m starting to understand it. Even appreciate it. How many people can legit say they get the choice to struggle and fight and bite and claw for what they want in life? It’s a special experience, really, and I’m blessed to have it. All this jumble of emotion is just fueling the fire that is hot as hell and painful and that’s making me sweat bullets, but I need it. I need these tests. And they’re just beginning. So I’m going to be a little sad tonight. But I’ll get up tomorrow and get stuff done. I’m going to write, I’m going to create, I’m going to think, and I’m not going to punish myself for how I’m feeling tonight. It’s all just a part of the process.

Njaimeh
Pitched Entry