They say art and media imitate life, and I’m realizing more and more each day how true this is. Recently, as I was watching a popular TV sitcom, a certain topic hit close to home. This particular scene was centered around interracial dating and how the reluctance of black women to date mixed or white men impact both parties later on.
Allow me to explain.
I went on a date once during my sophomore year of college. His name was Tony. He was half white (of European descent) and half Hispanic. Now of course, I am aware there is a difference between race and nationality. Nationality is most often related to where your family hails from, although it could also include the status of where you currently reside (ie: I consider myself Haitian-American). Race usually refers to the four physical features that separate (aesthetically) Black and White people. These features are:
1. Hair (texture)
2. Nose (shape/narrowness/broadness)
3. Lips (fullness) and of course,
4. Skin (color).
From the looks of Tony’s features, it was clear that we varied in appearance. His skin was whiter than that of a Black-Latino and his white traits were dominant. These things did not bother me at all for I felt that Tony was a really attractive young man. He asked me out one time after class and we set a date to meet. I was rather anxious for a few reasons. Allow me to explain in chronological order:
1. In middle school, I was made fun of for the fullness of my lips. Something I never thought I would admit out loud but here I am! I was called silly childhood names but you better believe I had comebacks for every name I was called and for everybody who called my name. Because I went to a small and predominately white school and it was clear that my lips were much larger in contrast to the narrow lipped student body, I quickly learned and associated my fuller lips to my Blackness. I also began to develop hips while still remaining considerably small in both my bust and waist area while the other girls began to develop fuller breasts and remained straight as a board from the waist down. I did not realize that my body was developing into a “pear shape” and that I would later be a bit curvy. All I could think was that I’m wider than my friends and I can’t wear a size 0 like the rest of them. It bothered me that Hollister shorts brought me discomfort in the crotch area. The friction from my thighs constantly touching also burned holes right through the thin denim of the cheap shorts. It’s safe to say I was very body conscience during my pre-teen years.
2. During my freshman year of high school, I was walking down a hallway when a rather popular senior passed by me. He was black and very attractive and uttered the words “sexy lips” as he passed by me. He must’ve noticed how uncomfortable I was since I automatically assumed that he was correlating my lips to a sexual fantasy of his. As you could imagine, my lips went from being the center of adolescent jokes to obscene teenage fantasies, so I was constantly braced for the crudeness I was used to encountering on occasion. But instead of following up with a derogatory statement, he offered up an apology instead.
“Oh, I’m sorry beautiful. Let me guess, you’re a freshman right?” I nodded my head. He then proceeded, “You probably don’t know this now but your lips are beautiful. When you get older, a lot of men will love them. Just make sure you know the difference between them admiring them as a part of you and not just what they want you to do with them.” It was blunt but it did not make me uncomfortable at all. It actually made me hopeful. I wanted to thank him but it seemed weird to do, so I just nodded and walked off. And if by any chance this young man is reading this- I just want to say: You were right. Thank you.
Which now brings me to Tony. By 19, I had grown into what made me a black woman and quite frankly, I was beginning to embrace it. Very slowly but nonetheless very surely. My preference was in black men of browner and deeper hues. Perhaps it was a sort-of comfort thing for me to date a man who I felt looked like myself. Tony did not resemble this type of man but he was attractive in many ways and so sweet. He was 6 feet with a great smile and athletic build. I agreed to a date because I had no reason not to. We met up on the beach and had dinner and a great conversation. But somewhere into the night, I grew uncomfortable and a bit self-conscience. When he spoke to me, his eye contact was strong. The sign of an honest person with nothing to hide but I did not take it that way. I began to get flustered and wondered if he was looking at my lips or cheeks and if the grandeur of either or were beginning to bother him. It was mental, really. Tony said nothing wrong. I began to feel like Sanaa Lathan in ‘Something New’ when she was with Simon Baker and they went to a predominantly black comedy club. In the movie, her man was the center of “How did you get her?” jokes and I soon began to relate. While walking up and down the strip that housed countless restaurants and bars by the beach, Tony and I passed by a group of young black men who were a bit drunk and muttered something about Tony not being able to “handle me”. That instantly spoiled my mood, yet I managed to hide my feelings well. Tony seemed not to be bothered with the comment since he was focused on the right thing that whole night- which was me. I wish to this day I could say the same, but I couldn’t focus on Tony after that. I was focused on the comment of the men and later on, I’d be focused on the looks of the men who would stare for long with sly faces. How dare a man hold his gaze for more than five seconds at me while I’m with another man? How is it that another man think he can reach out towards me while I’m locking hands with Tony. Drunk or not, there was no excuse. Tony was handsome and “white”, not “invisible.” Basically, I correlated Tony’s whiteness to his inability to be taken seriously when seen with me. I felt disrespected on both behalf of myself and him. After a couple of sweet dates, phone calls, flowers, and a message he sent to my friend that he was looking for me, I regretfully cut Tony off.
Later on, a mixed guy who was both black and white and extremely gorgeous would become my most prolonged brush-off in the history of brush offs. I cringe in admitting this now but my discomfort is nothing compared to what I could imagine was this young man’s bruised ego at the time. I mean, 6’5, green eyes, sweet as pie, and persistent on remaining in contact even as he traveled around the world. I actually met him at 17 during a trip to a small island with my cousin. He was a year older than me and a pro-athlete and traveled a lot for basketball. He always called me and even mentioned having dated a Haitian woman before and being a fan of our class and traditionalism. Even into my 20’s he tried to call me and meet up when he was in my part of town. Yet for some reason I was flattered but not as much as I was uninterested. I would learn later on that this disinterest was rooted in my own personal insecurity and nothing else. A shame, I know.
Which brings me back to my aforementioned epiphany. Upon recently watching a scene in a rather popular sitcom, the black female actress attempted to chastise an extremely fair-skinned man of mixed descent for his history of dating and marrying white women. He explained, as most of these characters do, that he actually loved black women growing up yet he got ‘no play’ in high school, even once being humiliated by a brown skinned girl about being too fair skinned, and how ‘light-skinned was not in style’. However, I began to think just how many other people in real life had this experience of dating outside of their race by “default”. It dawned on me that no one really knows the reason behind someone dating interracially. Sometimes it’s by preference and choice but perhaps other times it’s by default, which in turn later becomes habit.I began to empathize with the male character on the show. I could not believe I had allowed my own personal insecurities to eat at me and effect my dating life, which in turn quite possibly affected those men. I also couldn’t believe that I had become that person.. I am the huge proactive type when it comes to mixed socializing- my roster of friends alone could qualify us for a “United Colors of Bennetton” ad campaign. Yet I still allowed myself to limit my dating life to what I thought I would feel safest with. Funny enough, I never felt safe in any of the relationships I did end up pursuing thereafter…
I got on Facebook soon after the episode ended and looked up the young gentlemen (the basketball player) that I mentioned seeing after Tony. I actually could not locate Tony at all, partly because I forgot his last name. The athlete however is a little more known and much easier to “Google” and locate.
He was indeed in a relationship. She is white. And they appeared happy.
I smiled and (re)signed off.
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