The sins of your youth come with a price.
At the age of 19 and 22 I was not ready to be a mother. I should have listened to my mother’s warnings about having sex and I should have considered the possibilities consequence. You never consider becoming pregnant in the raw moments of love making. It never crosses your mind that his erejection could possibly carry the sperm that ultimately produces a soul. My foolish young nature has wounded me and my two trips to the clinic have become my daily nightmares.
I find my demons starting to keep me company. I find them controlling my moods. I find them becoming my friends. I find myself not accepting my sins. And now before my 25th birthday I am childless and still broken.
I have killed two babies. None that have come to life. They both were killed in my womb. I probably loved one but the other happened out of a foolish night of freaking. Now both my babies haunt my dreams and I carry their silent tears in my womb.
I use to always tell my mom that if I got pregnant I would know how to handle it. Yes, I considered the trials that came with pregnancy, but at the time, I didn’t feel like I was mature enough to take care of another human being. I’ve also always told my mother I would abort before raising any child I wasn’t ready for. She told me that I wouldn’t be able to go on with life knowing that every year would pass without a baby’s birthday, no opening of gifts.
The fathers of my two babies have gone along with their lives. And my sins have created demons that are haunting my very existence. They are reminding me of my loneliness and how I could of had them near loving me with their innocence. They are preying on my mental state and I cannot move on. I am not able to break free from their pain.
My unborn children are not fading away from my memory. They are growing up in pergitoray and I will not be there to meet them any time soon. I am truly sorry for not being brave enough to give birth, raise and love them.
To my unborn we will see each other this lifetime or the next. Then, I promise I will be ready.
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February 13, 2014
I know exactly how you feel. Living with the decision we made. I didn’t think it would be this bad. I live with guilt everyday. It hurts so much.
February 13, 2014
whoa. i’ve been there. the demons will stop haunting you when you forgive yourself. i promise.
February 13, 2014
Yes, just be careful not to find yourself that way again. It’s hard and regardless how many times you ask for forgiveness you still don’t forget. You are human. But God does forgive, but you must try and forgive yourself. Move on with life
February 16, 2014
God is love. If you know God, you’ll know you’re forgiven. The pain never goes away, but you learn to continue your life. You’re not supposed to forget. They were apart of you. Just think of it as a positive thing. The next time, you’ll be ready!