Sometimes I wonder how things would be if I would’ve put forth more effort just to see how far it would go, but then sometimes I’m thankful that I kept quiet because of how things played out later down the line. There’s always a big “What if?” and I guess that’s why these feelings reappear every now and then. It’s not as bad as it was since some years have passed. Maybe I’m tripping or this one was actually different. I keep telling myself that I have to let it go, but I can’t. I want it to go away because I’ve accepted that nothing will ever come of it because of me. It sucks, but that’s just how life works I guess. Who knows, maybe someone else will come along and the timing will be right and I’ll finally be ready to put my fear and pride aside to see what happens. Until then, I’m left with Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda Syndrome. As I much as I hate having feelings and emotions, there’s something about having that one person who makes you laugh and puts you in a better mood. I want that, but I want him to know this time. I don’t want to miss out again because I’m too afraid and stubborn to make the first move. At times I wonder if there’s something wrong with me or maybe I’m just prideful and stubborn. Yeah, that must be it. That’s the only reasonable explanation I have for how things have gone down in the past, but there’s a reason for all of it. I guess I have to let that go and start anew. I’m a firm believer in letting things go in order to move forward and have peace in your life, but one situation that happened ions ago (aka: my teenage years) has had an effect on my communication with the opposite sex when it comes to my romantic feelings. You know what’s crazy? The same reservations I had about telling him were the same things he spoke against, indirectly of course. He would always say things like “don’t miss out on opportunities” and “get over the fear of rejection or you’ll miss out.” It was like déjà vu or something crazy. At times I wondered if he knew how I felt. Sometimes, I thought he did and other times I had to shake it off and tell myself, “Jai, he ain’t thinkin’ about you girl. Keep it movin’.” To this day, I’m still telling myself to move on even though I still think about how things might have played out had I made different decisions back then. I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe it was a lesson in disguise. I have to woman up from now on instead of keeping things like this bottled up. For me to be so big on communication, I suck when it comes to the opposite sex as it relates to romantic feelings. Oh, the irony. I’m still a work in progress, but the shy girl role has gotten so old. I wish I was more transparent when it comes to that stuff, but I think I have a fear of falling in love or something. I’ve never been in love, but I’ve seen the good and bad effects it’s had on people I know. I’m afraid of being an open book and letting someone all the way in. The only people I’ve ever let get close are my best friends and family. I don’t want to get to a point where I open up to a man just to be let down. It hasn’t’t happened to me yet (mainly because I’ve never been in a relationship), but that’s my reasoning behind it. I didn’t realize that part of my problem until just now. Why must these things be so complex? I wish dating and romantic relationships were as easy as buying a pair of shoes. It’s no wonder therapists make a killing.

Signed,
Jaida