I go back and forth deciding whether to stay or go. If I am, indeed, strong enough to endure the humiliation of being naked, raw and alone out here on this limb than I’ll go, but I fluctuate between angry, hurt, and lonely. How long will you remain out of reach? How long will you keep me at bay when I belong in your arms? I cannot shake the feeling that everyone, you included, says I’ve been sustaining for way too long. Judging. I am torn because I know how much you need me. You have never said it, but I know. I can feel you even when you remain wordless. Your fears wake me up at night and pull at my insides. I taste your salty tears on my tongue, I carry the weight of your world, a burden you never asked to share– but such is the consequence of loving. Part of you resides in me. Your eyes avoid contact with mine. The mirror you cannot face. You are just like the ones you warned me about. In your eyes, you have failed me. I am trying to talk to you, the you that you long for since it’s been buried under expectations and disappointments. I beg you to let me be there and as your eyes trace the ground around you, my balance waivers. I contemplate for a second, should I fall? If I fall will you catch me? Or will a mausoleum be erected in my memory: here lies the stupid girl. The girl who thought love meant wings, or at the very least a partner with a safety net. You would sooner let me die, and the truth die with me. I steady myself. I remind myself that I never intend for anything to make me into someone I am not. And I am vulnerable. I am emotional. I am risky. I am impulsive. I am eager. So I wait. Cross-legged and splintered, there on the limb I wait and I call to you. I recite a love letter to you, just to hear you say, “I will fight for us.” The words choke me and some get stuck in my throat but I force them out. It should make me weaker– pouring out so much. But with every bit of honesty my blood pumps stronger and I am renewed. I was meant to give this much, to love this much. Loving never broke anyone, least of all me. I can see you listening. I see the tears fall down your face and in anticipation of your glance, I lean into you and I fall. And I’m still falling. But I wonder, will you catch me.

Jessica
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