I really don’t know what is wrong with me sometimes. I don’t know what makes me go off into a complete abyss of sadness. It scares me. I don’t feel like I can control it. When I lose control I lash out. I lash out at the person that I am around. Most of the time it’s someone that doesn’t deserve it, but like I said I can’t control it.

Lately I’m not sure if my life is going up or if it is going down. I thought the hardest part would be figuring out what I wanted to do with myself. I got that covered. I chose to write. I want to write novels, poems, articles, anything that I can express myself vividly through. I just knew admitting that to myself would give me all the answers I needed. It was suppose to be my way out of my deep depression…

I’m not sure if it worked because once again I find myself falling back into my old habits. I don’t want to be around people. Nothing is motivating me and everything appears to be going wrong. There is nothing anyone can say to make me feel better. It just sounds like a bunch of hoopla. Usually when I start to feel like this I just let myself go. I know I can bounce out eventually.

It just…well… it’s different this time. I’m in love with a wonderful man. He’s different from the others. He doesn’t come with a lot of baggage and for the most part he is on his shit. In previous relationships, I could let them see the disaster I was. I didn’t care because they were just as messed up as I am, but this time I can’t do that. I can’t allow him to see me for the weak person I am right now. So I hide behind anger and attitude. It is impossible for me to express any type of raw emotion to him. I can feel it slowly killing off our relationship.

I fought him off for a year. I truly believe that our love story can be matched by no one. I was tying up loose ends with an old relationship, trying to get my life together, and working on controlling my emotions. He was finding it hard to accept my biggest flaw and the distance between us. I never would have said yes to the relationship if I didn’t think I was ready. I also didn’t expect for my life to become so complicated once again either. Now as I sit here in his living writing what is suppose to be an amazing blog post, I feel like shit.

We had our first big argument last night. You know… the one where neither party can reach an agreement, so they go to sleep mad without cuddling at all? Yeah that one! I can honestly say that it’s his fault. Maybe not the whole argument because he did piss me off, but the longevity and intensity of the argument is my fault. I could have ended it by just expressing myself. It would really end all our small arguments as well, but I could not bring myself to open up to him.

The crazy thing is I listened to him open up about us and our relationship. He told me that his greatest fear is me leaving him without warning. As open as I think I am, he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t know what makes me tick until it happens. He doesn’t know what hurts my feelings until I am crying. He doesn’t know my breaking point because I can go from sub zero to boiling in a matter of seconds. I’m emotional but I am not expressive.

After hearing that any normal person probably would have tried to convince him otherwise or at least share their fear in all of the madness. Nope! I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I could not make myself vulnerable. Instead I decided to keep the argument going to avoid being open. I’m a pretty f’d up individual, but I didn’t realize it until last night.

I’m not even sure of what I would say. It’s burning inside my heart, but I can’t put it in words. Lol I can tell you what I did say in response to his revelation… I said, “I would rather leave than be left.” What type of person would say that? If I was my normal self, I would have never said anything like that.

I realize it’s me being selfish that won’t allow me to tell him what’s keeping me from giving my all to this relationship. If I said it aloud then I would be admitting so much more to myself than I am willing to admit right now. But if I wasn’t a coward and if I could bring myself to look him in his eyes I would say, “I feel like I am incapable of being loved. I can provide so many examples, but those memories are painful. Everyone only loves me temporarily or when it’s convenient for them. I can honestly say that I have one person that I can always count on and no one else. At this point, I’m not sure what I’ve done through my entire life, since I was a child, to make people say, ‘No let’s not love her.’ I don’t know what it is about me that can make the people that are suppose to love me the most turn me away or shun me. And since I don’t know I’m scared, because I don’t know what it’s about me that can potentially make me lose you.”

But it is morning now and he’s getting ready to go work. He’s still a little perturbed, but I’m sure that we will carry through this day like nothing happened last night. Even though it will still be on his mind and it will still be on my mine. Eventually the argument will resurface again. It will travel through a smaller argument that shouldn’t even be happening. I will be presented with the opportunity to tell him my biggest concern within our relationship…. And I still don’t know if I will be able to do it…

Cicely

image credit: Kissa