I would always tell myself that I was over my ex, but I never really had time to reflect on it until today. What’s crazy is that we broke up five years ago. I guess you can say that I have a hard time facing the facts. So five years later, I picked today to look through gifts he gave me and letters he wrote.

Now if I knew that I would still be as emotional as I was the day we broke up, I probably would have never been in a committed relationship at a young age. Just like every other woman, this called for a box of tissue and an alcoholic beverage. So as I poured the white wine in my favorite glass and walked back to my room, I promised myself that I was only given two hours to reflect on him and get rid of everything.

His name was Vincent, and he was the typical nerd who was oddly great at basketball. Now, I myself fell for him strangely and did not even have the courage to tell my own best friends that I was falling for him. But we quickly became the best of friends. We dated for our high school years and still decided to stay together while we began college in two different states.

We thought that, “our love could beat the odds”.

I left the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with for a complete stranger.

I put the future we planned together on the line, because of a sudden connection I had with another man. At the moment I felt that everything I was doing was right. If I were not in love with Vincent, then I would not have had a hard time walking away from him. I considered that I was not really in love, since I was able to create new feelings for someone else. But I never realized that by walking away from the relationship that I would have to be alone.

Or the obvious reason, that what if I was wrong?

How many women have ever made choices in their life that they question years later? Its almost like some may take the “living in the moment” way further than what it says. You give yourself guidelines, like you would set for a younger sibling, but you come out doing the exact opposite. You tell yourself that you won’t fall for the same guy, or you won’t have a drink at the party, but you come out drunk accompanied by the “same guy”. You tend to over analyze every move that you make, just to end up at the place that you never wanted to. But why you may ask? Because it just feels better to. You never have to completely think about the situation if you just continue to stand.

Because secretly you create these plans that you honestly want, but are having a hard time walking away from. Instead of walking away, you think staying is the right thing. Just because people say, “giving up is for suckers”, you do not want to be added into that category. You feel that as a woman you should stand your ground or claim your territory, when in reality, you’re just scared to stand alone.

And that was exactly why I pushed myself into the next relationship, so I could completely erase the thoughts and image of him in my head.

Honestly, it did not take me long to realize that I made a mistake. The sass in me had to front for everyone else and him, but kissing a bunch of frogs was pointless when I knew that I let the prince walk away. But I was still in the situation even when I had cut off all ties. I replayed every conversation and action over in my head. I tried to create multiple-choice responses for what happen and why it did.

In reality, I will never have the answers to the questions that I expect to know. Not to be harsh but I had to get over it. Write it all out and then throw it all away.

And that is exactly what I did. I got rid of everything, down to the movie ticket stubs. Because as much as I wanted to hold on to the past, I just could not anymore. I had to stand alone.

Devika