Titles. They give us a sense of validity, a sense of insight to where we stand with someone, and a sort of comfort. Right? Well….

I have very little dating experience. Seeing that I didn’t start dating until high school I’ve only had one boyfriend my entire life. I was 17.

Usually, I “talked” to guys. This meant we texted daily, had phone conversations, and hung out (not really), and for me it was always on exclusive terms — and by exclusive I mean, that I only “talk” to one person at a time. For me, that was never hard because monogamy is just in my blood. Plus it’s rare for me to find a guy that I’m genuinely into.

When talking to guys, I always find myself in the position where the guy wanted more… a title. But for my own scared little reasons, I was always very hesitant in that whole ordeal. I couldn’t get with the idea of a title because, honestly, I was very young, innocent, and still afraid of guys.

I had to laugh at myself just then, hearing myself say that.

But really, I was. And when I started to feel like I was being pressured, it would cause me to push away. Though we did everything a couple our age did, I was still so hesitant to give it all a title. I just felt like what we had was GOOD! So why not just keep it that way.

Until recently.

I had started dating someone and things were getting serious. I found myself really involved emotionally and I knew it was different. I was different. This wasn’t the same high school Aaminah. Though a lot about me stayed the same, I also had way more experience under my belt. I had an entire different mindset about things and I grew to know what I wanted from a significant other. No longer was I scared of commitment. It was actually the exact opposite.

Dating this guy was fine. We had no title. I never even thought about titles until this one night I was at a lounge with a friend of mine enjoying live music when I found myself getting approached by numerous men. They presented me with the same question: “Are you in a relationship?” And then it dawned on me. I wasn’t. I mean, we did everything a couple does and at that point in time, we were even using “love” to express our feelings for one another. I knew this was the only person I wanted to “talk” to and he said he felt the same way. So that’s when I decided to text him, “Hey, am I single?”, and he responded with, “Lets just say we are exclusively dating. Do I want to be your boyfriend? HELL YES! And I will be, but let’s take it slow.”

So, basically I was single but for some reason, I felt rejected. No, I didn’t ask him that question to insinuate I wanted a relationship, but it was something about him not wanting one with me just yet, that made me feel like he didn’t want one at all. “What was I lacking?”, “Am I doing something wrong?” All of a sudden I was a body full of insecurity. Titles were all I could think about. Literally. And ever since, I’ve answered the, “Are you single?”, Question bitterly.

It even affected the way I looked at him. It became more of, “would you be ready if I were someone else?” and “do you want someone else?!”

I had become a complete mess.

Now there are many other things that factor into our specific relationship, but I can sum things up to say that we stopped talking shortly after. I became so tied up in the “why nots” that I had lost trust, found myself pressing the issue repeatedly, and any small thing I noticed him do, caused me to think, “This guy doesn’t want me.”

And because trust was non-existent, we soon became the same.

I look back at things and I realize that though our ending was on terms that actually did result in all the things I feared, I must say that I do have to take responsibility for letting my insecurities with titles overwhelm the both of us in different ways.

To me, a title gave me a sense of stability. It gave me a solid foundation that I so desperately needed in at least one aspect of my life. For this specific person, without it, I felt like we had nothing. I should have taken time to listen to his request for a patient me, and let things become of itself on its own. I let what was considered the norm, hinder us as individuals. Who knows if things would have ended the way they did if I was never posed that question that night.

I don’t say this to dwell on that specific person, but in any aspect of my life when I close a chapter of a particular phase, I have to re-evaluate myself and where I fell short — take some responsibility. That way when I meet my guy of the year (it seems like that’s my life *shrugs*), I’ll be having fun, enjoying the company of another (exclusively), and letting things blossom into whatever they may be.

Titles are awesome, but so are relationships that don’t have one. My personal opinion is that as long as you and the person you are dating have a clear understanding of what you two are and where you both stand, let it be. No two people are the same. What may work for some, may not work for others. But allow things to reach their potential, without you standing in your own way.

Aaminah