Stop tempting me. Calling and asking for promises I can’t keep. I have work to do, and you will only be in the way. If you care about me the way you say you do, let me go. I need my space, don’t you understand? Don’t make this about you. I’ll resent you if you try to hold me back. I can’t be with someone who won’t let me be free.
I used to numb myself into submission. Conditioned, waiting to be told what to do, how to think. Didn’t want to act different, look different, or draw attention to my desire to escape. Not sure where to go, but wanting to run, start over. I wanted to unfold, be naked, without needing sex or drugs or validation to carry me. High on life? Ha! I laughed at the thought but only to disguise my intrigue. Could there really be such a thing?
I had to go my own way. Find my own release. I had been smothering myself with his logic, her expectations, the constant boom of opinion, drowning out my instincts. Comparing myself, always feeling ugly and incorrect, afraid to take off my mask. The constant demands, the news, the church, the definitions, the rat race, the traffic, the lost souls, the busy-ness, the jealousy, the competition, the confusion – all these distractions, making it hard to breathe. Impossible to hear myself.
I had enough. I had to shut everyone up. I cared too much what they thought, so I had to be alone, so I could focus and decide for myself.
What do I want?
I dropped everything to explore my questions, to follow my own good feelings and learn to trust them. I learned to arouse myself, spiritually, emotionally and creatively. I started paying attention. Every time I overcame some quandary, sorted out some inner conflict, I felt more beautiful and aware of myself. The tension of shedding my skin replaced the tension of chasing people and situations that weren’t meant for me.
Solitude has become the portal to my highest potential, my most fulfilling life. I don’t like to be interrupted. And I can’t be worried about how everyone feels about it, not even you. I need to be here, right where I am, doing things my way. Finally.
So this is where you find me. Still in a brand new relationship with myself, not ready for company. I cannot trust myself with your charms. I am easily influenced, and you are a threat. You want to touch, I want to write. You want me to listen to you, to listen to us together, but I only want to listen to myself. You pull me away from my work, the precious work that calls to me, louder and bolder than you. The work of loving myself and sharing that love creatively. Making up for lost time. Serving a purpose. That’s what keeps me up at night, not you.
So fall back, New Love. Let me become.
Sincerely,
Me
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January 18, 2014
Absolutely beautiful!! I felt this in my bones!
January 18, 2014
I needed to read this. Your words undeniably speak to my current situation. Thank you.
January 18, 2014
I always loved your writing, but this is a awesome reminder of why. GG you write what I find hard to put into words. You are a beautiful soul sister, soulsista.
January 18, 2014
YES!
January 23, 2014
This is why I love you GG! I felt your words as if they were my own. I HAVE to get your book! Thank you :)
February 2, 2014
I cried after I read this post. For me it was fall back old love! after feeling stuck in a very looong term relationship I was trying for at least 6months to let go of I finally gained the courage to explain that no man had my attention not even him. He was immature & didn’t understand that I was the reason for wanting to split i needed time for soul searching and growing into the best me. I read this post over & over again since that day & felt even more stuck in my position ready to be free. I have read this post to my sisters mom & best friends that knew my situation I even read this to him & I wanna say thanks for being awesome & for summing up every ounce of my feelings u have literally made things a little easier by putting into words what I was too long winded to easily explain (I’m obviously a wordy person) this was much needed