You Are Not Alone
I’ve written several posts about my past experiences, educational achievements, job mishaps, etc. However, I am in a place right now, where I’m on the cusp of opportunity, but I just haven’t quite landed there yet, and the pressure is mounting.
I tend to downplay my accomplishments. Like a lot. My mother is always frustrated with me, when I elect to omit information about my educational background. I choose to downplay it, because I’m not really working in the career field that I actually went to school for, so why boast about it? It is frustrating for me because I am at an age where I am supposed to have the career that I have always desired. I am supposed to be able to pay off my student loans. I am supposed to have a husband and a couple of kids.
I am supposed to be living the American Dream.
Right?
Life is not always how you expect it to be, and as someone with a deep faith in a Higher Power, I do believe that everything that happens in one’s life has a purpose and a reason. It is no accident that I am 33 years old living back at home with my mother and working in a job that has nothing to do with Film or Marketing. I will count my blessings and say I am grateful that I am gainfully employed. I am grateful that I have health benefits and a generous profit sharing plan. I am grateful to be with my mother who at times needs help getting around and I can cook and clean for her when needed. I am grateful to have a loving relationship with her and that she’s still here on this earth to spend time with me. I am grateful to have not succumbed to peer pressure in high school and dating guys who were wrong for me, just to become another victim of teen pregnancy. I am grateful to not be a single mother out there trying to do her best on her own to raise her kids. I am grateful to be drama-free and not be tied to an unhealthy relationship simply because I have to have a man to feel secure.
I am grateful for all of these things.
However, it comes in waves. There are days where I feel grateful and fulfilled and there are days I feel empty and hopeless. I daydream incessantly about what my life would have been like if I had made this decision or that decision. I continue to relive my past like a broken record, as if the song that plays may contain a lyric that I have not quite heard before. If that somehow I can clue into new information about my past to help me analyze what is happening in my present. I know some of this sounds bizarre, but I think closely about what this journey is really supposed to be about.
Is this journey really about me and my desires or is there something more?
I want to let anyone reading this to know you are not alone. We each have our story as to why we are living in the space we are at present, and some of us have made good choices and others not so good. Please don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s easy to sulk and feel sorry for yourself for what you have yet to accomplish. You are still here, and trust me there is so much more to what will be expected of your journey than what you believe it to be. On paper I look good with my educational and job experience. I look like someone who has accomplished several goals. It’s a fact that I have done some outstanding things in my journey. However, I still feel like I am so far behind the race to the finish line. I don’t even feel like I’m a third of the way there. As a matter of fact, I still feel like I have yet to cross my starting point. I want to encourage you by saying please do not feel like you have not mastered your purpose on this planet. Your 9-5 job, dire financial circumstances, broken relationships, or health concerns should not permit you to stop what was planned for you on this planet. As long as you are living and breathing, you have purpose. You have a will to do more. You have value.
You are not alone.
I find that sometimes encouraging others also helps you to also feel encouraged. This post is my encouragement to you as well as for me.
Maybe you have not crossed your starting point. If you have not, then this may in fact be your beginning.
J.
Jamie Broadnax is the writer and creator of the niche blogsite for nerdy women of color called Black Girl Nerds. Jamie has written for Madame Noire, AfroPunk, and is the VP of Digital for the online publishing hub the She Thrives Network.
January 15, 2014
I think a lot of us feel the same way, but are too busy, too proud or too strong to allow ourselves a moment to “feel” it. Like you said, there is much to be grateful for, but there are times when our wishes and our reality don’t coexist, and it’s hard. Motivation and encouragement are always needed, so thank you for that! It’s comforting to know we are not alone.
January 15, 2014
This is absolutely what I needed to read today. Thanks, Jamie, from this brown girl nerd! <3
January 15, 2014
As a 35 year old woman on the verge of changing careers and moving across country …after raising a child alone and starting and running a successful business alone…I have to say Amen to your post! We all have to be grateful but we are all searching for our own inner truth and purpose. Thanks cause life is never what you think its gonna be and we need someone to remind us that its ok.
January 18, 2014
I can assure you that your message has been received. There are days when I put my past on repeat too and I try to dissect every decision and search for something. There are days when I feel like I am on top of the world and other days when I feel I’m just that nuisance at the bottom of the mix. This definitely encouraged me to keep it moving and keep being grateful. I hope as you wrote it, it worked for you too.
January 19, 2014
Thank you so much for this post. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
January 28, 2014
So needed to read this post. The disconnect between my vision and my reality is something I reflect on often. And the battle to make them connect is one I find discouraging but your words help put a needed perspective on it.
January 31, 2014
The encouragement I never knew I needed. Thank you for sharing your support!
August 22, 2014
I’m like you in the regards that, some days I feel fulfilled and other days I feel hopeless. I want to believe that these are feelings that everyone feels, even those who are living their dreams lives. Just going through the motions. The “hopeless” days are hard and it seems like you don’t know how to reach the top, but thank God we have each other for support. Keep working towards your goals and you will succeed in every aspect, like Dory said “Just keep swimming”.