Like most things these days, it began with a comment on an Instagram photo. It was the 4th of July and I was sitting in my mother’s backyard in New York. The rest of my family had gone inside, worn out from the barbecue we had earlier in the day. I decided to take advantage of the down time I had in suburbia since my apartment in Philly didn’t even have a stoop, let alone a backyard. Sipping on my second glass of wine and not wanting to read any of the books I had packed, I toggled between Facebook and IG catching up on how my friends had spent the holiday. Out of sheer boredom and slight intoxication I posted a textgram with the message, “Tell or ask me anything you’ve ever wanted to know”. Within minutes a man that I had spent more than a few nights trying to forget left three simple words on the picture: “I want you.”

I was completely caught off guard by this response. You see, this was the man I had thrown all pride aside with and told in plain words that I liked him and wanted to see what could happen between he and I. I don’t know many women who are that upfront about their feelings with a man, but it’s not everyday that a woman catches a vibe off the rip, so I decided to take a chance. The last time I saw him was sometime in the winter. My best girlfriend was the featured artist at the venue that had started to become our spot. It also happened to be the place I had met him on my 28th birthday. That night I had decided for the last time to put myself out there with my feelings. We stood at the bar. He was already sipping on something dark and I ordered my usual cranberry and vodka. As I waited for the bartender to hand me my drink I looked him straight in the eye.

“I like you.”
“I like you too, Ky.”
“So I’m not understanding what’s happening between us?”
“I’m saying…,” he started.
“No, what are you saying?” I cut him off. “I’ve never been this upfront with a dude about my feelings and I feel like you’re trying to play me.”
“It’s not that.”
I smiled because I knew my friends were somewhere watching our interaction and I wanted to let them know that I was fine.
“Then what is it?” I asked.
“I’ve told you before, I’m a busy man and I don’t want to start something with you and not be able to give you my full attention.”

I looked away. I stared at the DJ who was spinning some old ‘Ye while the band was setting up. This was the same line he had been spewing since I had admitted my feelings for him. The bartender finally sat my drank on the counter in front of me and I took a long swallow. We stood there for a few awkward minutes before either one of us spoke.

“I’m not trying to play you,” he finally said.
“I know. It’s just that this never happens,” I said with a chuckle. “I’ve never told a man that I was digging him and he tells me he’s not interested”.
“That’s not what I said.”
I sucked my teeth. “That’s basically what you’re saying though. A man makes time for a woman he’s interested in. Even if its only for a couple of minutes out of his day for a simple phone conversation, he’ll make time.”
He never argued with me and I felt like a fool. I stood at the bar for another few minutes sipping my drink and hoping he would say something, anything. But he didn’t.

“Well you have a good night,” I said as I slid my empty glass towards the bartender. I walked straight past my friends and into the ladies room. I didn’t plan to give him any tears — he wasn’t worth all that — but I knew I had to pull myself together if I was going to make it through the rest of the night. As if on cue, my girl walked into the bathroom.

“Are you alright?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’m good.” I said and ran the whole conversation past her.
“More than anything girl, its an ego thing,” I admitted when I was done.
“I hear you.”
“Let me pull myself together,” I said to her as I fixed the ponytail that I had pulled my locs into. “This is your moment”.
For the rest of the night I enjoyed kicking back with my friends, most of whom I hadn’t seen since graduating from college. At the end of her set, my girl sang a dope cover of Bob Marley’s ‘Is This Love’. I closed my eyes and sang the lyrics as if they were mine. What I felt for him was nowhere near love, but it was something that I had been willing to explore.

Now here he was on my IG.

I wanted to ignore his comment and delete the post in its entirety, but I decided to play along. “When I wanted you, you ain’t want me”, I commented back. I put my phone down and headed inside to change the CD from the Anita Baker that my mother had playing to Kendrick Lamar and to grab the bottle of wine this time. Once back outside I picked up my phone to see if he had responded and to my surprise he had sent a text message.
“I always wanted you.”
“You ain’t got to lie Craig lol,” I typed back.
We messaged back and forth for a little while longer. I told him that I was in NY for a couple of weeks and he told me that he was making plans to finally move to LA.
“L.A. huh?” I typed.
“Yea man, finally getting serious about this music thing.”
“That’s a big move. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Ky.”

We made plans to hang out once I got back to Philly.

“So will this be like an official date?” I typed.
“LOL. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“So I should be prepared for you to make me dinner?”
“I didn’t say all that lol.”
“Lol its cool. I’ll hit you up when I get back to the city.”

But once I got back to Philly I started a new job and the hours were killing me. I felt like there weren’t enough hours to sleep, let alone to go out on a “date”. In the meantime, he would text me every morning to have a good day and I would call him once I got home to see how he was doing. We went on like this for a couple of weeks. One afternoon I had gotten off earlier than expected so I dialed him at work.

“You want to go see a movie with me tonight?”
“That sounds good,” he said.
“Okay, I’ll check out some times and I’ll text you.”

Three hours later I was standing in the lobby of the movie theater waiting from him to walk through the doors. More and more people were walking upstairs and I was hoping the theater wouldn’t be too crowded so that we could sit in the back. Just as I was about to pull out my phone to call him, he walked in. I was used to seeing him out at night, wearing his usual “uniform” of Philly musicians, a trendy tee and a pair of jeans. But tonight he was still in his nine to five gear, a baby blue button up and some black slacks. His locs, which usually hung free, were tied back into a nice bun, still fresh from his visit to the shop a couple of days before.
“You look good,” I told him as he pulled me into a tight hug.
“So do you,” he said as he took a long look at me. I have on my favorite pair of distressed denim with a cute tank that I had brought for my Miami trip the month before and a simple pair of sandals that showed off a fresh pedicure.
“I already purchased the tickets. Let’s go.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him up the stairs and towards our theater.
We sat through ‘Grown Ups 2′ holding hands. He’s a jokester so he added his own commentary throughout the movie which had me cracking up, along with the few people sitting in earshot. As we made our way out the theater he insisted on giving me a ride to my apartment, which was only a few blocks away.
“I had a good time tonight,” he said out of nowhere.
“I did too.”

He was staring at me like he wanted to kiss me.

“You better not try and kiss me,” I said with a laugh.
“I wasn’t,” he quickly responded with a laugh of his own.
“Yeah right. And I hope you don’t think this constitutes our first date either.”
“Naw, boo.”
We sat in his car for the next few minutes as the traffic outside zipped past us.
“Your madd cool, Ky. Is this what I’ve been missing out on?” he asked
I turned to look at him, “Pretty much”.
“And now I only have a couple of months before I move to L.A.”
I took a deep breathe. “I know.”
“Well, we can just spend that time getting to know each other better.”
I grabbed my bag, which had slipped to the floor and pulled it up on my shoulder. I opened the door and said “we’ll see” as I slipped out and headed to my door.

We spent the remaining part of the summer talking and hanging out. We saw one another more than we ever had before. It felt good to finally have him be apart of my life. But no matter how close I felt we were getting, there still felt like there was a distance between us. I never felt like I had all of his attention. I chalked it up to him focusing on his big move and with all of the problems that seemed to surface the closer the date got. As the season changed from summer to fall, I began to see him less and less. Our phone conversations turned into text messages that also became less frequent. There were moments when I was alone and wanted to dial him up to ask him what was really going on, but I didn’t want to be a nag. In reality he wasn’t my man and he owed me nothing.

One Saturday night I was home cleaning my apartment. I had the music blasting and I was on my knees cleaning my tub as if my life depended on it. The track changed to a song off K. Michelle’s mixtape and she began to sing the lyrics to a song I heard a million times but never really listened to. “He’s just not that into you…” she crooned. I stopped what I was doing and sat on the floor and let the song play. When it was over I got up to start it again. The words came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks as K sang them. He just wasn’t that into me. I knew it then and I knew it now. I guess I just wanted things to turn out differently this time around. But I know when a man wants you there will be no guessing involved….you’ll know.

Ky