The Truth About My Interracial Relationship

I feel the need to share this. Only because it really bothers me in my heart of hearts when people over generalize. Then people who have no idea about the truth believe the generalization is accurate. Thus, causing more confusion and furthering a stereotype.

Interracial dating: Let me break this all the way down for you. I am Black and Hispanic. My partner is White and Asian. Therefore our daughter has one grandparent of each race. I grew up in “the hood,” also known as “the low income neighborhood,” also known as “shitty school systems.” My gentleman lover grew up in Lancaster, Ohio, also known as “the country,” also known as “the town that is at least ten years behind on all things cultural.” His Asian father raised him. My racially unidentifiable mother raised me. So, we were both raised by single parents who share an outside view of American culture. We met in college and not once did we ever ask each other such questions like:

Do all Asian people eat dog? Do all Black people belong to gangs? Why is your hair so curly? Do you eat fried chicken? Do White people really smell like dog when it rains?

Now these are things that people are told growing up or they are heard throughout the media. Now why didn’t we ask each other these questions? I like to believe it has to do with self-education. My mother did everything she could to educate us outside of our school district. She home schooled us until we went to high school. She made us watch documentaries and read books on other cultures. She actually made me memorize every single country in the world and their capitals. I literally knew the capital to every country in the world by the time I was 10 years-old. My boyfriend was raised by his father who came to America in his twenties. So he was raised with a strong Asian influence. Even though his mother is White, the Asian values of life, home, family and education were a strong force in his household. When he went to college he made sure that he educated himself through life experiences. He grew up in a town where there was only one Black family and of course they played basketball! However, he never grew up thinking all black people played basketball.

There is a difference between interracial dating and dating ignorantly. Here is why.

I have met people of my own race who have asked me the most outlandish questions. One girl I met at work when we worked at Nationwide Insurance. She is Black, Christian and from the south. We hung out all the time and then one day she asked me to go to church with her. I told her I was Muslim and she damn near had an exorcism performed on me at work. She was so shocked and taken back that the first thing she asked me was, “SO YOU DON’T LOVE JESUS?” Guess what? No where in the Koran does it say, “DO NOT LOVE JESUS.” It actually has scriptures about him and his importance to God. When I was in high school, a predominantly all black high school, I wore my hair natural and was a vegetarian (a vegetarian before it was cool and accepted by the masses). Every other day until my senior year of high school, people would tell me to get a relaxer, wear makeup and eat some meat. These comments came from my own people, my own race and my own environment.

I learned at a very young age that cultural beliefs outweigh race every single time. When I started dating my man, we didn’t talk about fried chicken and hair grease. We talked about religion, how we wanted to raise our children and our beliefs. Our political views, taste in music, and how our desire to succeed in life had to come before our relationship. We talked about our families, the people to avoid talking to and the people who would welcome us, etc. We talked about real things such as things that keep a family together and things that keep two people together. When you are dating, you can’t be overly consumed with “ideas” just because someone is the same race as you. It doesn’t mean they have the same beliefs as you. When we first started dating I told my partner that I would always be pro Black. Pro Black meaning everything I do will be for the betterment of my people. He said, “that’s good. That’s how Asian people are.” So he understands my need to buy from Black businesses and my desire to support Black arts and to help the people in my community. He understands this because he embodies the same qualities and desires. We share the same desire to uplift and empower. We share the same desire to expand and preserve. This is something that could be done with a Black man of course, but I didn’t meet a Black man when I was 18 years old who stole my heart. I met an Asian/White man. Guess what? It’s okay! The world will not stop spinning on it’s axis. All of the Black and Spanish people of the world will not become extinct. You know what will happen though? People who want to love, build and grow will continue to do such.

Relationships that work are based on two people who have the same vision. If all you can see is race and stereotypes, then you are setting yourself up for failure. I love Black families. I love seeing them on television and reading about them in the media. I love Black people, Spanish people and all people that are about progression and hope. Interracial dating is not and should not be about fulfilling some creepy fetish. It shouldn’t be about discrediting your own people and their worth. It should be about what any form of dating is about; finding someone whom you can share your life with and someone who wants the same things out of life that you do. Someone that wants to love, respect and honor your growth as a human being.

Yes, there are people out there who experience interracial dating and have horrible experiences. But, guess what? That also happens when you date people who aren’t compatible with you that share the same race. Will there be questions? Of course. However, you will quickly be able to tell if someone is dating you out of curiosity or out of true intent to build. There isn’t a hand guide on how to date women of color because every single woman in this world has their own desires, limits and boundaries of love. I have a very diverse group of female friends. We are all in relationships. Some are same race and some are interracial. I can say that none of us have the same boundaries. You can’t date me thinking I’m going to accept and/or want the same things someone else does just because they are Black. I don’t eat meat, not into football and don’t like watermelon. I’m a down to earth, tree hugging, hippie child who eats extremely healthy. I’m a Black girl from the hood who was a professional ballet dancer and also happens to be a sneaker head and hip hop lyric connoisseur. I know speeches by Malcolm X and Marcus Garvey by heart. I’ve read every autobiography of every Black leader by the time I was 20 years old. I also know Greek philosophers and love watching Disney movies. You can not box me into some category based on natural haired Black girls who don’t eat meat.

Of course there are some things that happen in certain cultures and environments. However, I would be willing to bet great amounts of money that my childhood was nothing like the people who lived next door to me. What happened in my house was completely different than most of the children I went to school with. Yes, we have cultural traditions, however that is not an excuse to assume that everyone takes part in them. It is not okay to be ignorant. I’m sorry, but I will not accept ignorance from anyone. We live in a world with the INTERNET. Do you know how amazing that is? You can research answers to questions instantly. Or you could use your God given sense and simply understand that no two humans are the same. People who grow up in the same household don’t even walk away with the same interest. So why would two people be the same because they are the same race?

Interracial dating is not the 8th wonder of the world. It’s much simpler. You find someone you can relate to and shares similar values. You date, love and respect them. Then if you want to get married and have babies, you can do that as well. Anytime you date, take the time to get to know them and what it is about this person that makes them special. 10 out of 10 times, it will have nothing to do with their skin and/or hair. Who we are is who we decide to be. We cannot decide our color, but our soul and character are both our choices. So when making choices in life and asking questions, ask questions with true intent to learn. Every race has stereotypes and judgment’s. You NEED enough sense to know it’s not all true. It’s not okay to be ignorant and put generalizations on whole groups of people.

We are all human. What we need is love, truth, respect and boundaries. We are not defined by our color, but by who we are inside. Honor your people, then honor all people by simply respecting differences.

Ashley