It’s three in the morning. I’ve been sitting in bed with a feeling I’ve had for a while now.
I don’t think I want to marry you.
It’s quite possible that I’m with you not because you’re good for me, but because you’re familiar. You’re like family. And hell, sometimes, we need a reminder –– a constant throbbing, a gnawing that serves as proof of life and love.
There was a time in which I dreamed of becoming your wife (don’t hate me, feminists), but now I’m starting to think that the absence of a ring may be the presence of a blessing – and it’s cautioning, “run, girl, run while you can!” in bright neon letters.
This isn’t a matter of fear of commitment. Rather, it’s a deep-rooted desire to not settle – a desire for perhaps something better to come. I’ve witnessed the broken marriages full of regrets. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard recently separated women utter bitterly in hindsight, “I should’ve known he wasn’t the one when…” or “I should have left him when…”
Deep down, I knew they were trying to warn me. They don’t want to see the same things happen to me, and neither do I. I don’t want to feel that I’ve wasted my “best years” on a marriage that should have never began. I think I’ll heed their warnings now.
I’d be lying if I said it was always bad. In the beginning, we fit together perfectly, like a puzzle. I was warm in your presence and in the glow of your love. There were no secrets I kept from you, there was no moment I spared. I was selfless, saving nothing for just me.
A part of me longs for that us, and that is exactly why I stick around. Do you think we could get back to that? Maybe we can start over….
Except…
Life has spread us like dandelion seeds in the wind and pain has sanded down the edges of our jigsaw pieces –– the ones that used to only fit each other.
Now, it seems we refuse to fit.
Re-fuse.
We are a f’ing conundrum that I have no desire to solve at the moment. And as cliche as it may sound, I love you, but I’m not in love with you.
I will awaken in the morning with my eyes dry and full of the knowledge and the confident notion that I am oh so very sure that I do not want to marry you.
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January 10, 2014
And you shouldn’t have to settle. Maybe this realization will send you on this long spiral of figuring out what you want out of life and give you a clear understanding of the parts of you that may have been compromised catering to the wants of another. Maybe the road will lead you back to him or maybe not, but I’m proud that you are going with it, just because it is familiar, because so many of us do just that.
January 10, 2014
and then this happened… to me as well!
January 10, 2014
I just went through this a month ago….I had to be true to myself and realize that I stayed for fear of hurting him…but all the while I wasn’t being true to myself and I was growing resentful from that. Now I feel as though I’m in a much better place for making the right decision!