It was my fourth time running to the bathroom to regurgitate everything I ate earlier that day. As I laid in my bathroom and prayed to the porcelain god I knew the state of my future had been put into question. Was I ready for this? A baby? My father referred to teen pregnancy as ‘children having children’. During my decision making process my mind sure felt ill-equipped to deal with this, underdeveloped just like a child. It was at this very moment, my weakest hour, that the offer was made.

Knowing he may be potentially available for hire, the devil crept right into my thoughts and planted the seed. I hate to admit it but thoughts of me washing my hands of this gave me a certain sense of comfort. If I did this my world would continue with sense of normalcy. I will get a second shot at this American Dream everyone’s got me all goosed about. So, I continued to entertain this meeting of the minds. He knew I was weak, vulnerable and scared as shit. He preyed on these emotions and as I laid on the bathroom floor feeling sorry for myself he carefully placed the pen and paper right in front of me. I was still unsure, but he knew he planted this seed quite meticulously.

The proposed exchange was, at first thought, of mutual benefit, which of course solidifies the consideration. I’d be losing a sense of self, my soul even, during this exchange but I’d gain a fighting chance in this sadistic world we live in. Survival of the fittest, right? He would reign as the soul collector and in this situation he was getting a BOGO special.

At that very moment, still lying on the floor I knew, or at least I thought I knew, I had to sign the contract. The encumbrance of situation got the best of me. This was it. No where else to turn. The deal was made. To hold up his end of the deal he made sure, with his executive force, that nothing would stand in the way of getting ‘the job’ done.

I saw the look in the social worker’s eyes when she looked at my soft, tender face and she said aloud that she didn’t think I was ready to go through with this. Here was my road block. Would this be the breach of contract that I needed? She told me she needed to step away from her desk for a moment, but when she returned that look of concern was gone. He took care of it. She handed me the paperwork I needed and I was out the door. You could call this the acceptance…

The consent was given and it was finally the time. With a straight face I drove to the clinic, signed my forms, undressed, watched as they carefully placed the IV into my arm and laid there horrified as the room darkened. Every part of me wanted to get up and run, but my eyes were too heavy. The nurse rubbed my hand. “It’ll be ok,” she said softly.

Exactly where my mind slipped away to while I was under is between my subconscious and Jesus. When I woke up I was terrified, hyperventilating and completely panicked. What the hell did I just do?!?!?

The same nurse who provided me those tender words of encouragement before I slipped under was the first person I saw when I awakened. A face I will never forget. Rubbing the same hand she said “you’re going to be just fine.” She handed me a glass of water and prepped me for my departure. She was on his payroll too! Making me feel like what had just went down was actually okay.

That was it. The deal was complete, forever binding with no way possible to ever be rescinded. He collected his debt. Just as quickly as they sucked what I created from my body for disposal, he smiled and filed the contract away.

No matter how much I try to forget what’s happened, he has his way of helping me remember the concordance of this agreement. Its in black and white, with no grey areas. There’s no going back.

He has moved on and is probably creating a new contract with the next discomposed young woman at her weakest hour. However, I now know that the next time that I find myself in my weakest hour and in desperate need of help,  I shall seek counsel from a much higher power. For it’s my relationship with HIM that matters most and my salvation can’t afford anymore deals with the devil…

Marie

Model: Senait Gidey