My body has given birth to two children. It has stretched to hold their heads full of knowledge, their bellies full of nutrients, their feet to carry them upright and steady. My hands have held them in moments of sadness and fever, lifted them towards the sun in rituals of play and gratitude. My smile has lit up their little faces, their tiny fingers tracing the curves of my lips and their mouths pursed in mimicry with laughter. I have been food source and first word and first love and confidante.

But I have not always been confident.

In fact, most days I am chasing confidence as if it’s the last train I can catch before being 30 minutes late to an already rescheduled appointment. I am barely walking through its corridors or pushing past its sliding doors before plopping into a seat as it speeds off to its next destination.

I am not of the belief that confidence is actually humility, and I have found myself bowing – or shrinking – in submission to those praised worthy by popular opinion.

I am settling.

Or learning. Learning that just because my petite bottom and thighs are laced with squiggly, discolored lines or that my belly is wrinkled at its center with an awkward navel does not mean I am less visible. Less beautiful or less important or worthy-less of love and affection.

The crookedness of my front teeth does not make my smile any less attractive.

My uneven ear piercings are more quirk than queer, and my slightly broader shoulders are but more room for the babies to rest their heads. It does not detract my femininity or womanhood. It is not a mess.

When I am less than understanding of being made in His image, my imperfections are bargains for the markedly admirable features: almond-shaped eyes, dainty wrists, perfectly coiled tresses and an impressive set of test scores. My wit and humor compare with that of your favorite comedienne’s. I could not be perfect because no one gets everything she asks for and what I lack in superficial beauty standards, I make up for in real substance.

I am generosity and soft-spokenness and forgiveness. I am almost good enough.

Or more than enough.

I am sufficient.

I am able-bodied and proportionately human in appearance.

I am hand-crafted and have been kissed by His magic. I am show-stopping and head-turning and awe-inducing and intoxicating….intoxicatingly beautiful.

I am beginning to see that what is special is seldom met by the eye.

I am becoming confident.

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Courtney Akinosho
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