“To be honest with you,” he said, “when I go through my day I do not think of you. I have so much going on…” His voice trailed off. “I don’t need you thinking about me every moment of the day” I replied, “but don’t you not think to send me a text or even one phone call and even when I call you, you seem annoyed to hear my voice.” “It’s unfair” he stated, “I know it’s unfair.” By this time hurt and turned into anger for me. “What is unfair” I yelled, “is you making me believe that you wanted me and a life together…marriage, children, family; but you don’t want these things, at least not with me.” I struggled to not let the tears which were welling up behind my eyes fall down my face. “I have to go” he quickly said, “I will call you tomorrow.” “Why?” I asked. “I need to go” he continued. I laughed. “Just know that I would have stuck with you through anything” and with that I hung up, turned over in my bed and the tears began to fall. All those tears were not for him though. I didn’t love him and had not invested too much time. But he was another person – another man who I had lost; another one who did not want to make me a priority, another one who did not see me as valuable; another one who did not choose me. I cursed myself for believing him. I had taken a year off from dating and I wanted to believe that after the break I had gotten it right; that this was it for me. I was wrong. He called me the next day. I answered.

Five weeks or so later, we talk every other day and see each other once a week. I am not sure what it is. I am not sure what I am doing. I am not hopeful that one day he will wake up and realize that he cannot live without me. I have no expectations. I know I want a good man with a good heart who will love me and most importantly choose me. I know I am better than this. I know my worth. But…

At times I lay in bed and I question myself and I wonder if I can trust myself with making decisions regarding my heart. After getting it wrong a few times, it is only natural to think that the problem is one’s own decision making. Is it a matter of low self-esteem, not knowing ones’ worth, loneliness, desperation, lack of options, feeling that time is running out…? Or could it be that it’s the path we must walk to meet the person or persons we are meant to be with. In Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist, Santiago tells Fatima “I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.” You see, to find Fatima, Santiago had to leave his home and undertake the most interesting and sometimes hard journey in a quest for what is described by Coelho as Santiago’s personal legend or that thing which he was meant to accomplish. It was in following his dreams and going through both good and bad experiences that he was led to Fatima. I would like to think that this is how life is. It’s about these experiences – the ones which make you question your decision-making capabilities when you are in the middle of a ‘thing’ and you wonder “what the hell am I doing?” Then hopefully you become brave enough to let go of that which you know deep down you do not want. What’s the other option? Just being happy in the now? That can work too, but deep, deep down I pray that all this -even him and our once a week meet-ups – is the universe conspiring to help me get this right.

Aleah