I’ve never had an involuntary dry spell when it comes to sex. I’ve been sexually active since I was 17, late senior year and have been sexually active since with dry spells of a few months at the most and as I alluded to in the beginning, all of which were voluntary. This one is similar to those. 23 has really done a number on me. I’m starting to reevaluate a lot of my friendships that aren’t serving me, I’ve been able to close the door on relationships that are leading nowhere despite a dickmatized lapse in judgment my past self could attest to, and analyzing my emphasis on sexuality both inside and outside of committed relationships.

I had a conversation with a homie of mine who felt like I place too much emphasis on sex altogether, while I’ve always viewed my outlook on the subject matter as healthy. Why shouldn’t I want to have my needs fulfilled and doubly so, when involved romantically with someone I love? Why is that abnormal? Why does that make me a freak?

I’ve danced between the lines of being “too much” and “too little” and I haven’t quite perfected a balance yet. On the one hand, I feel like it’s great to feel excited to rip the clothes off of someone you’re attracted to, to like the way your body hums when you have a mental replay of the love you made the night before, to send a sext because you’re absolutely salivating – that’s how badly you want this man – in other words, to give into your carnal needs. I think I have that right. I think I should own it.

On the other hand, however, it’s a dangerous game. Giving into those impulses too sign, getting wrapped up in someone’s aura and energy who simply cannot and will not wrap themselves in yours (not past the sheets anyway), and allowing yourself to lay too long in a space that isn’t good for you simply because when you’ve learned someone’s body and you’ve had that sort of exchange, breaking away becomes harder to do (see dickmatized).

I don’t know if celibacy is the word I’m looking for as I approach this break because when I hear the word “celibacy”, I think “religious”, I think “long-term”, and I am not certain of my level of commitment to refraining from making bedroom vows with anyone, for now. All I know is, it’s been three weeks and although I thought it was impossible for me to think about sex more often than usual, I’ve been proven wrong lol countless times. I liken it to the act of going on a diet and having that extra wet gulp to swallow as you think about all of the donuts you can be having, but you can’t, because you’re abstaining because it’s good for you and what you’re trying to accomplish. In the end.

I guess that’s what I should think about. But I think it’d be easier if this voluntary dry spell didn’t suddenly feel involuntary. I met someone. And his lips don’t make it any easier, or the sweet nothings that spill from them whenever I inspire him to, which is often much to my pleasure. I think we both agree though, that we are worth the wait.

And when I can’t abstain any longer, he’ll be the first to know.

Where’s that line though? Damn, he’s fine.

Sheriden

“Special Beaute”, Elle France, May 1989 // Photographer: Hans Feurer // Model : Monica Gripman